Missing pages

Early this year, I had an intention to actively involve myself in writing again.

To fill the missing pages I have lost ever since Mama's passing. But I guess, it was not so easy anymore. The joy of writing has somehow disappeared. There were so many special moments happened along the years that have passed, but the process of telling it all here somehow felt difficult. 

I did not know what went wrong, but it obviously went different.

Looking at all the years/days/weeks/moments that I did not document, there were no memories to be pondered as much, or probably were less meaningful. I could no longer travel to the memory lane and mesmerize what it was like to be in the moment once again. 

I like to quote what Michelle Obama wrote in her book 'Becoming'

"Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own."

"The more I told my story, the more my voice settled into itself. I liked my story. What's your story?"

These two hit me so bad, as I read her book. Also, made me want to come back here and write. Just write something. 

I could not bear another missing page. 

There is consequence to that too, I believe. 

When I less write, I less remember my moments. I less appreciate what had happened in yesterdays. I less ponder on lessons learnt, or I failed to learn anything. Because, I had no thoughts. I didn't give myself space to re-feel after yesterday, so it went away as the days passed. Days that I didn't journaled just went away, as the new days come. 

Therefore, as the new year approaching I aim to do more of two things

1. To read more

2. To write more

Read, so I learn from others. Write, so I learn from myself.

In the meantime, I would like to fill in the missing pages as much as I could. Amongst the missing pages, are on my career, love, and life.

To more pages next year, InsyaAllah. 

:)

To the woman I am becoming

Growing up, from a little kid in primary to a highschool girl where I first know what 'in love' feels like, to the university student where I strive alot of things, to be a grown up woman now as I work from 8 to 5 and while holding the status of someone's wife. It has been surreal to think of all. 

I guess, I had a plan only until I married to someone. I know what was required (though not exactly) to be a wife, and that's it. It stops there. I have no further plan on who else I want to become. 

Especially, in becoming a mother. 

I have always loved Mama, with all my heart. I never thought of becoming her - a mother.

My husband and I of course had a talk on this before marriage, we talked on everything. But we have decided not to decide yet, but obviously as both of us came from family with siblings, we do of course want a child. But not now, not at the point during the early days of our marriage. 

And, I think, I am not babies person either. I am okay with babies but not too obsessed with them. I do hold someone's baby, but just because. I like toddlers, but not to the point I adore them so much. 

Mama had a nursery before, where we took care of so many kids. I spent a year after SPM, working for Mama in nursery. Nurturing toddlers, taking care of babies and just helping Mama out in her business. I am not fond of that, but I quite know what I was doing back then. 

However, it is of course different than having and raising your own kid right... 

We took the leap of faith on the last April. To try for one. Because why not - we thought.

and I have this crazy idea of becoming a young mom to a teenage boy. I find it cool. I do not want to be too old when sending my boy to boarding school. I want to be looked energetic, active and young by then. Haha weird, I know. 

and so we tried. Alhamdulillah Allah blesses us with the news that we soon receive this bundle of joy in the upcoming January. 

My journey since the early trimester was very easy, I hope (compared with other women I know). I had no morning sickness, I was okay throughout the first trimester. I went to Umrah in the second trimester, in fact. 

I am now in the last trimester, and have about 3 weeks to go. 

I think I can do it. 

I do not have fear, but I do sometimes feel anxious on what to expect. 

Most of the time, I just let it by and focus on 'enjoying' - by trying not to think too much. 

I had some conflicts of course (but I would save that for another story).

Becoming a mother now, as surreal as it sounds, I am glad that I went through this and enjoyed as much as I can. Struggles are real in some situations, but I cherished that as a phase of life I need to go through. 

I hope (really hope) that I could be a good one, but of course I do not want to be so hard on myself. 

This is something new. My body has been coping so well, I amazed of how amazing it has adapted to such big changes. I learnt so much during this phase and am so excited for the next few weeks. 

InsyaAllah we gonna meet my little soyabean in January. 

O Allah, ease our way.

My first Louis Vuitton handbag

 Everyone that close to me, would know that I have always wanted to buy a Louis Vuitton handbag. It is something I talk about so often when it comes to things I want to own one day.

I think the desire to own one started when I laid my eyes the first time on my grandmother's handbag. She had a brief collection of luxury handbags and used to lend my sister a fashion magazine like Bazaar and Vogue. In every pages you would see photographies of a supermodel carrying a handbag from different brands. I would do 'guessing game' of which brand the bag was from, is it Gucci, YSL, Dior or Hermes.

And, I would learn in Youtube how to pronounce each brand correctly, with the right accent either French or Italian. I was that obsessed with luxuries as I grow up.

I think the desire to own gets stronger when I was in university. The monthly allowance granted by my scholarship body was enough to own one LV Neverfull that time (considering I skip my meals throughout the month) haha just kidding. But, during the time 2018/2019 Neverfull was only 800 pounds if I am not mistaken. The price just recently increased but this time, very significantly. 

It is also why, some would call buying a luxury handbag, is some sorts of an investment. The bag you hold can store values through time. But of course, applies to only some limited/timeless collection.

Back during student days, a monthly allowance would either get me the ultimate Louis Vuitton or a plane ride to 4 different countries. I was in a big dilemma between what if I did not travel now, there would not be anymore chance to come to Europe in the future. 

So during the time, I chose the leisure of travelling and said to myself, it is okay. I will surely land a good job and earn a handsome paycheck to pay me in future. 

It has been almost 2.5 years of working now, I landed a good job I suppose. The one that puts money on the table, paid off my commitments and left me with good amount of savings. I guess it's time now. I haven't checked the price for awhile, and yes of course it keeps increasing since my student days.

I thought if I don't buy today, I would definitely buy tomorrow but with the inflated price. It's either I buy now, or buy in a more expensive tag later on. 

Haha it is of course a long thinking process...

I did check the secondhand market as well, but the price of a preloved one with wear and tear coming from daily usage of the previous owner just not as meaningful to me, considering this is my ultimate first time purchase. It must be most personal and meaningful. 

There would not be another first time. - I thought

I was dreaming I would walk into the shop, talking to the sales associate, observing her packing my stuff nicely and just carrying the large orange paperback out from the shop. It must be that satisfying. 

After a thorough research and long thinking process, I finally decided to browse into the official website and check whether there is available stock for me. Because, that's the thing about purchasing an LV. You may have the money now, but some iconic collections especially may not be in stock. Some Malaysians just prefer to rely on the personal shopper to buy for them from overseas outlet. 

But of course, it comes with additional charges. 

In all probabilities that it might be today that I may own one, the bag that I aimed for soooo long (probably 15 years ago) is currently in stock and available for purchase. 

I had a situation during payment process actually, but I would save that story for another time. After several attempts and with the help of the SA, I finally own one now. It's the most classic Speedy in the size of 25, in the Damier Ebene color.

I could not believe I held my hand on this bag, the same one that had been carried by Audrey Hepburn during era of 50s. It is that timeless and classic. 

It was a long journey of dreaming to have one, but I finally got one at 26 years old. I took that as a milestone achieved. 

I once said to my husband during our first year of marriage;

"I have this one dream, to own a Louis Vuitton handbag using my own money. As you know now, and as much as I wanted to be gifted one, I hope you could let me buy that using my own pocket money first. And you see, if I finally held one, you would know I have made it in life" 

Well, I haven't make it in life yet. There are so much more things I would like to achieve. 

But, this is a milestone. And she has reached it. 

Alhamdulillah. 

P/S: I ordered online, I haven't collected it yet. Will document the story in the next post :p

17 of 365

 Five of three six five. 

Today I received my ACCA result which also the very first attempt. I sat for the exam on last December. To begin, I was not so much hopeful that I will pass, knowing I only prepared a week before the exam day and signed up for intensive revision class 5 days before the exam day. I also took a week off from work to focus on revision. Thank God I had many unused leaves to be utilized. 

Alhamdulillah that the hard work paid off. 

Juggling between work and study was not easy, especially I just started my career a year ago and things that I am doing now is totally new relative to my bachelor degree. While I still struggle to understand my work, I have another responsibility to study. On top of that, my ACCA studies are sponsored. So there goes much bigger obligation unless I want to pay back the whole amount later. 

I am personally so proud of myself. 

I had a big dream since kid. 

I have always wanted this and that. 

I know what I want, and the potential way on how to achieve. I had the charm and determination to make my dreams a reality. Most probably because I believe it so much and Allah helped me by easing my way to it. 

Life is so much different now. I can feel it. 

Things are falling into place just like how I imagined it to be 5 to 10 years ago. 

If Mama was still here, she can witness for me that whatever I have now is whatever that crossed my mind years ago. There weren't so much coincidence in my life. Just a fate and an answered prayer. 

Must be great when Mama is still around. Oh God, I miss her so much. So much that it hurts. 

So much that I tend to avoid remembering her so much. 

Mama, 

Thank you for always believing in me when I was still just a little girl. Thank you for introducing me to education, opening every door of opportunities so I could know what I want in life. Thank you for me letting me buy my first book so I could read, and though I know it was in fact expensive that time. 

Those memories when you send me off to school, making sure I have good clothes and proper shoes to school. For giving me money to buy my school supplies, books and paid me for extra tuition even though our financial was so tight that time. 

I know that you did that because you believed that I would succeed in life. I shall return all these to you. 

I probably would ask all your wants now, and buy you all the things you ever want to have. I would replace back all your jewelleries, buy you a branded handbag, nice shoes and pay for all your medicines, I would... 

I hope you still remember me. 

I have so much things to say to you. But I know you are in a good place now. 

I will always pray for you. 

Love, 

Adik. 

1 of 365

 Hello 2022!

It has been awhile since last I came here. That time I was younger, probably did not know to whom I will get married to and would have no idea what life would turn for my career, study and love life. Most importantly, did not know everyone would skip two years of their life - thanks to novel coronavirus. 

But, here I am today. 

I am twenty-six this year (tho unofficially). I work as an Internal Auditor in one of biggest investment house in my country. I earn my own income too. I bought a car at 24 years old. And I am planning to settle off my car loan and will start to find a house to buy this year. 

Yes, I know. I have grown up. I am really hopeful that my younger version of me would be proud. For who I have become. 

I started my new year with a celebration with my family. We had lunch at Chef Wan's restaurant in KL. Alhamdulillah for endless rizq from Allah, that I could share a little portion to treat my family. I would want to recognise that as an achievement. For making them happy. Everything of course comes from Allah who made my life easy. 

And, I still miss Mama, a lot more than ever. and I will continue to always miss her. Of her touch and voice. I miss her face. I miss her warmth. I still pray if only I could meet her again, even only in my night dream. Hopefully one day, insyaAllah. 

Have I mentioned that I am also married? Yes, to the love of my life. 

The kindest guy I met. I chose him to be my husband. With Allah's blessing too, we were united with Abah's blessing in 2020. 23rd November last year also marks our first anniversary. 

Time does fly so fast. 

Subhanallah. Walhamdulillah. 

Everything because of Allah. 

To many more episode insyaAllah. 

Love.