#SarahTurns20

It's all started with the day we first talked to each other; we were in the same group back then while in Form one (you were thirteen, and me too) , we both were so innocent that we thought life is all about being free from upsr oh yes that time was good. Our group was "gajah" ; I didn't know you, but of course you were cute since thirteen but your cuteness has always made me irritating but you were cute but yeah. You still; are, babe.

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, then the end of highschool times.

We both were flying through times, together as the young learner of life. We knew nothing that day; but to achieve all the goals we ourselves created; 9A's, 11A's you name it all for every exam we take; just every score that resembles flying colours we both were dying to grab. We knew nothing that day; but to be the best among everyone. We knew nothing that day; but to always make our parents proud. I guess we both too young to know things; that life is more than just that. More than about achieving goals inside our minds. More than our idea of grabbing every A's and getting full marks in exam. That life isn't a merely constant growing of upper and higher. Life is more to it. It is, in fact, the victory after being drowned by hardships and struggles life has offer. Life , however, is about growing ourselves up internally despites every failures we gone through. Life is about keeping the movement and further decision to keep stepping forward; after so many thoughts of giving up and putting down the shield out of our hands. Life is more than what we thought we knew, Sarah.

You know what, I have always thought of how my life could be a lot more better and exciting if you were there along it. But there's always a good reason for us to be separated into two different journey that even so I still have you to be my ears and shoulder whenever my hard times hit. Our conversation through phone for HOURS would still be my favourite thing to do. 

Even with the fact that you are with your dreams, while me with mine; we know we are going to still be the best, like how we used to since ever. Even though we both have no idea how struggle we put everyday in each other's life, note that you are always in my prayers and my mind. We both believe in each other's capability; and to look over each other even from far. Life goes on; i swear I've always in thought to be in the moment when we still learning the same books and doing the same homeworks. I miss everything we do together, Sarah. 

However, nothing to regret. As we both are still in the same field of career; that there would be no problem to understand of your language of saying that assets minus liabilities would always be equal to capital. We could still be good together with our debit and credit. Giving our heads such a massive pain trying to adjust accruals and prepayments; we'll do just fine. And thinking that we might want to quit everything just because we couldn't get "balance". Despite all the SOCIs and SOFPs we are going to go through, I would still love you.   No matter what and how, we can still understand each other ; we know ourselves better don't we? You, in fact, are my favourite asset and nothing else to be compared of how valuable you are to me. And that value; could be never depreciated I can assure. 

I know now we are so far away from each other, not through places but emotions. That I hope you could bear in mind, that I have always got your back and you are reserved for some spots in my heart and my life, I am glad you are a part of my little journey of life.

This is for every of your struggles and those sleepless nights you went through; I wanted you to know that you deserve everything you have now. You already done your best; and we all are so proud with you. You always know what to do, what to read, what to study, what to achieve; that's just you. For every problems you had, you settled it one by one with care, and you were just so particular with answering questions; that's just you and still are. Being careless just isn't you. You might not good with theories and facts; but who cares now you already ace it gal! You already own the CAT!  There's nothing you cannot do, when you being you. Girl, you are amazing with all the achievements you got! 

Congratulations on graduating 🎓

To more things to achieve in ACCA and life; all the best with everything you do and decide. Allah bless you, for the rest of your life being the amazing Sarahrahidi 💎

You are really; a diamond ✨

Of this year that we turn 20; I wish you a great life ahead. To me, you are still the same petite girl I first saw while in form one; but deep inside your internal energy and spirit I know you've grown up well! Happy birthday! 💋

gersang

Di depan pintu universiti, adalah kita. Yang masih seorang pejuang dalam medan tempur kita-kita. 

Hari-hari yang berlalu, seolah terbang turut ikut mimpi lepas

Semacam angin yang mengogah bayang tiap kali kita lintas

Dan semua benda ikut saja kemana kita bawa

Dan aku, kau, dan setiap yang berdiri sedang bingung apakah ini yang paling pantas setelah segalanya kita beri

kita semua gersang.

#InternationalDay 

11th of October, 2016; Cyberjaya. 

Hiking 2.0

My second attempt for this hill; yet a better one in everything.

tenggelam.

Dan ketika matahari hampir mahu terbenamkan dirinya 

Aku masih sendiri 

Termenung jauh seolah mencari erti 

Untuk bernafas satu purnama lagi

Atau terus lama-- apa ertinya

Kau bisa berhenti berlari-lari 

Atau terus mati padam dalam mimpi kau sendiri

Tapi kau masih mahu bernafas untuk seribu alasan 

Alangkah kuat! Alangkah utuh!

Hidup akan terus menjadi musuh, bercanda dalam gimiknya tersendiri

Sekurangnya kau tahu hari ini akan pergi, dan hari esok bakal menjelma dalam epik yang kau sentiasa mahu hapus momento buruk dan terus hidup dalam asingnya kedamaian

Dan lapangnya kebahagiaan.

Menjelang ghurub mentari sore ini-- dan aku sudah hampir mahu tenggelam.

AY, 9 Oktober 2016, 7.08pm, Cyberjaya. 

puisi jamban

Untuk si picisan semunafik engkau, 

Aku adalah antara wajah-wajah yang takkan pernah kau lupa. Wajah yang kau aniaya berminggu-minggu. Takkan ada dimana-mana cuma pada setiap sudut yang pernah kau lewati saat wujudnya 'kita'. Kau takkan cuba mengingat aku. Tapi pengecualian adalah pada hari hari malang kau; pada hari kau ditipu, pada hari kau dikhianati dan juga pada hari Tuhan tak menyebelahi sisi kau lagi. 

Dan kenangan untuk aku adalah satu-satunya masa silam yang tersisa. 

Akhirnya kau pergi. 

(Ft flatlay lapuk saat digesa Dr. Ng untuk coursework 'commercial law' yang berdue-date 17/10/16)

back to basic

My first azan heard in Cyberjaya was at that night. The calming and soothing one; of the one I could only get when I become movable to the spot. We decided to be nearer that night, while preparing our ears widely open to soothe our long time longing for one. As a trio of the night, we took a quick driving after maghrib. It was "khamis malam jumaat" just so we expected for at least a short tazkirah and bacaan yaasin be held there. Allah bless, expectations exceeded, they had bacaan yaasin. Syukr we could be among them that night. We came in.

Upon our late arrival we heard the mic has turned on, just so we know the bacaan will be started in minutes time. We took a place, between those blessed strangers we sat in a line; the three of us. It was so familiar; the moment, the feel of soft carpet once you stepped on, the perfect sound from probably a new microphone and the surrounding of souls that are covered modestly, those that are fully-prepared to communicate with God thru prayers. It was so positive and familiar just like the one I had in highschool times, just as the one I've been missing most of the times now while  I was in mkic. 

The ustaz, then started the reading calmly. It was a slow reading heard but soothing. Just a perfect bacaan for us the so ordinary us in reciting Quran's ayah.

Settled it with one long reading of Dua'; we looked around. I looked around, as if I was finding someone I know, but none. Of course there'd be no one, this isn't my place either as I'm not from here. 

A humble azan then sounded out loud eventually occupied the whole masjid. Everyone sat still. Some of them rushed to renew wudhu. While few kids were still running around like they thought the hall was some sorts of a playground. They made noise; an ignorant and innocent one.

We sat still, enjoying every sound the bilal whispered through the microphone. It was a magical sound heard. This one  to me was so natural, not from the radio, or a laptop or the one that was recorded. This time it was the original one, a man-made sound originally from the mouth of one calling people to get nearer to God. I was drowned again. This time is different as I got drowned in positiveness, I got drowned to the voice and I just hope it could last longer. Longer than usual until my heart could achieve the full capacity of craveness I've been hold all this while.

O Allah. Finally. 

"Maybe I've got to be sufficiently broken by life's many broken promises just to be sufficiently compelled to seek out God's unbreakable promises"

The night hasn't just ended like that; when we were about to make our way out to satisfy our dinner that night some noises from nowhere caught our attention. It was from that crowded spot at one corner of masjid. 

We turned around, the noise was from that crowded spot full with foods. We were blessed with nasi lemak ayam berempah; told by the locals that night's menu of feast was a special one compared to any other night. Allah bless. Sort of our langkah kanan. 

Similarly to any masjid, it was the typical feast served to those who attend bacaan yaasin. We went there, mixing around the locals there. We talked between us while enjoying our free foods (such a big blessing in one night)

Allah bless. We expected of just one small thing, just a voice of azan. Allah gave more. More than just a full and satisfied stomach. 

Deep inside, i cried a little. Of how far I've drowned away from the initial lane. I'm just going to be back to the basic. 

To the most basic one; the lane of turning to the one and only ; الله

i just want to write something

After awhile of not going back to home; it's a relief to get this chance to see the parents' face, their smile and hold their hands. Truly those are the blessing you can't have when you are so far away from your usual zone; the home sweet home zone. Yea of course, I'd be missing those moment I've been longing to have; a visit to Old Trafford, a picture infront of Manchester's uni entrance, an exciting shopping experience at Primark, a long fun adventure travelling trip around UK while wearing a decent jacket and a pair of boots I bought from h&m's homeland and not to forget, a bite of hot waffle with Vanilla ice cream as the topping. I would be missing those moments but not the blessings I already have in here; when Ma and Bah are still one call away. I still in a way of what God has yet told me to be in; I belong to this way I guess (for now). InsyaAllah; for more years to come there are alot more to experience; with no regrets.

This time is not as usual one; not with macbook or ipad. No nothing so technologically advanced. but with the old second-hand desktop we bought from a nearby computer store. But the feeling this time is so intense; in a positive way. This one keyboard that produces a very load sound for every movement of fingers on board; soooo oldskool i kinda love this time.

Moving on to new life:

I'm blessed with a warm friendship of collegemates of Mkic but in the new environment of the new uni (HW as what I will call it from now on) ; prolly speaking it's not too different from the one I supposedly to have in the UK. The very cool lecturers; who are not just so humble and caring but very helpful in explaining things. Basically, nothing that's really hard to catch except the part when I long for azan and tazkirah between maghrib and isyak; those things that I can get if only I am fully be willing to go for one not so far away from our residence. Life is still like this; a journey that always brings out the best of me everytime. So many to feel, I just hope I could be strong enough to keep going.

I rarely read now; I procrastinate a lot that the list of books-to-read has been so out of track and I lost count to start again. I just have so many free time that I spent in learning how to cook and how to be positive. Seriously there was this one night I spent on internet by just reading articles of why this and that, and how to this and that. Even in reality the Dr. Ng's law assignment is in a due list and I haven't start anything just yet, not to include every tutorial's homework that need to be finished a night before and I still let myself myself doing what I'm best at; procrastinating. (FML)

On the other hand, I consume a lot of caffeines now; specifically on coffee. Until there was this one day when my male friend asked me why I keep ordering coffee everytime we hang out; it's obvious i bet. But there'll be always reasons for our every cup of coffee don't you think?

The pain one wants to get rid away

The happiness one is longing to have

The pleasure one cup of coffee could offer

Sometimes, those are a part of healing, a part of concealing, and prolly a pill to keep oneself breathing

We all have reasons for every cup of coffee we decided to have.

so this is for "I just want to write something", till then.