Becoming a Londoner

Warning: I am really going to bitch about London. 

“My Dad says that being a Londoner has nothing to do with where you're born. He says that there are people who get off a jumbo jet at Heathrow, go through immigration waving any kind of passport, hop on the tube and by the time the train's pulled into Piccadilly Circus they've become a Londoner.” 

This is not life if it was to be expected, it is in fact unexpected. Of the fact I will be away from Edinburgh for a month long, to see more places, to walk routes, to visit cities and to wander around just before the 10 months end. 

Shall you think I am in rush, in fact I am. 

I went to London a week away from the exam week, which was quite insane. Thought I would not enjoyed myself the best since my mind was off from seeing new place and meeting new people. But I guess it's totally wrong. I bet London... is just something else. 

Of course, I have fallen in love with Edinburgh at a first glance. But this wasn't the same when I meet London. It was as I went to a city that everyone has been talked about it for ages and while I wasn't really feel the hype... London did capture my heart in some ways. 

I didn't visit London for travelling, as a city tour or something. I went for a talk, an important one. and London happened to be the venue it was held. so important this talk to each of us... we almost missed the flight that morning. when I say morning i did mean it was an early morning, at 6am to be sure... to get ready the earliest we can... to catch a flight... to pass the gate that was 5mins before closing... 

fortunately, we made it. 

an hour journey from Stansted Airport to the city felt like nothing, when the uber driver has talent in making conversation. he talked about Islam, about his country Afghanistan, about his life journey... an hour felt like nothing. 

We stayed at Malaysian Hall for two nights, having the first breakfast to be Nasi Lemak and Teh Tarik. And Teh Tarik, again, and then some more before going back to Edinburgh. 

We went to some mainstream places, you name it. but I guess I don't fancy telling them all. But one thing is that, London is freaking packed with people coming in and out, minding their own business and everybody seem to not know each other even they are from same countries-- that is to me weird if to compare with Edinburgh, by which I won't. 

Both are unique in their own way. 

I lost myself in that bustling London, until I woke up in Edinburgh realizing how I actually miss that city. I should have explored more. 

I will make sure to do better next time, since I'll be coming again in less than a month. 

Oxford St.

Oxford St. 

I walk to Oxford Street, I started to think how I will never get bored of it. 

Jubilee Gardens 

Waterloo Station 

and, at Waterloo Station where we said goodbyes. 

guess who just turned out to be officially a Londoner. 

jk

Twenty-Two

Dear Auni,

Congratulations on being 22.



One day we will die. One day I will die. 
And what is left then, is my stories. 

But today, you are alive. 

I wanted to write something this day, but I do not know where to start. Too much things burdening my heart, I needed only one phone call. To Mama. 
Calling her and just tell, tell everything that have been bugging my mind for months long. I wanted her to know how things in my life didn't get any easier, and I wanted one last assurance that she would pray for me no matter what, so I could feel calm and relieved. 

For once, I just wanted to feel right again. 

When I told my friends that throwing birthday party isn't really a thing we usually do in my family, I actually doubted that. Because as far as I can remember, I did have my own birthday party when I was a kid. Mama would invite some of her friends coming to our house, and also my neighbourhood friends that would join along. Meanwhile, I would be that little anxious kid waiting for Bah coming from work, bringing cake Mama promised me beforehand. To me that time, while there are friends to impress... it's important to have cake. As cake means celebration.

What year was that? I could not recall.
But surely that time was a good old time. That I got to celebrate with just all everyone that I love. And nothing more important that time... than to have one good cake. Receiving just bunches of gifts, real hugs and warm wishes.

And most important, Mama was there.

Looking back 10 years ago when I was just twelve years old, I had nothing else to aim for in this life but to make Ma and Bah proud of me. Even I could still remember when I rushed home from school riding a bicycle, with the fastest speed I could go... all the way to tell them that I got all As in exam.

I thought at that time, how life is exciting when we got to achieve our targets and goals.

I continued my will to aim higher then, just to get passed all exams with nothing less than all As. How important the wisdom I learnt at that age, defining happiness as success and only it.

But well, I made it.

Allah granted whatever I want, I pursue everything accordingly in my plans. There were ups and downs along the way of course, but they were all just a learning curve to get me tougher.

All my life, I have been relying to a mother's Dua' while feeling right about everything. I would call her just every time when I was about to enter some battles. Either it's an exam, or simply an interview for scholarship. I made it in the support  of Mom's love. Allah accepted all my Dua's and granted me safety from anything with the assurance that Mom's love indeed has a special treat from Him. All my life I have felt secured and at ease. And, having heavy heart is nothing usual.

But now, it's completely different. As the battle is more real now. This is it, my real battle.
 Though it felt as I have lost the weapon. Of a mother's prayers.
 and the question that bugs my mind every night, do I still have home to return to...

What is left for me, then.

If this is the real test of life, how do I go through one more day when there is no single night since Mama left, have I slept without teary eyes and wake up to another day without heavy heart? In fact, enduring heavy heart has becoming common feelings, I forgot how was it to feel whole again.




By this time, I must have forgot of all good bondings that shall make me look forward for one more to-morrow. Also, on that day of how this one soul has said to me calmly,

"This is just a nightmare you can always wake up to, Auni. Always, count the blessings." 

Indeed without tears left, I am blessed with good souls around me, that expected me of nothing in return. All they have been doing is feeling the empty gap, and be there as much as they can. How awful I could be as a person to take that blessing for granted. . .

So Thank You, to you know who you are.


There are many things have happened along this year, most are all big things that I did not expect. From such big thing as my country's political change of government leads... to something as big as I am now living my dream... to also, of the day I learnt on acceptance. . . of Mama's leaving.


It hit me since, while I am not sure of the day I would stop grieving. I probably would not.
and, I hope that's fine, I'm coping with it through.


The age of 21 has taken me to such different whole new level in understanding life. I could have taken pride in saying "achievement unlocked", considering all the important events I encountered at this young age. Though for real, I didn't had chance to be prepared and be ready for any of these obstacles and achievements I experience. But I am, facing it (one by one, and after another) anyway. With an open heart... with the remembrance that all of these happened for a reason.

Nothing, with the faith in God, and with Tawakkul that all things are in His control, happened for the reason unexplained. Therefore I will stay, however, to live.

And most important, I have learnt better about myself day by day.
About things I haven't figured out before; of my capabilities and hidden talents, of my strength and imperfections. Of my brokenness and vulnerability. Just all that made me realise how complicated being I am just full with paradox; however, also in the same soul is a confident and strong woman.
I am taught to be this fearless... who is not afraid of being herself.




For the beloved friends, Thank you for being the best of you every time. I owe you a lot I couldn't pay with coins and dollars, and all the concern you showed me I rest to Allah in repaying each of you... with nothing but goodness in this life. Indeed, may Allah bless.

Thank you.

I haven't said this, yet all of you have truly made my day. 

Dearest my girls (S, T, F and Y),

Thank you Y, for the hot chocolate you made on the day I temporarily left back for Malaysia. I swear, it was more than just a hot chocolate you handed to me. The gesture that reminded me so much of Mama throughout last Ramadhan, because my heavy sleeper ass couldn't wake up for Sahur and that she handed me cup of a drink to make sure I actually had a proper Sahur... on bed.

Thank you for the abaya and the baju kurung you packed me for tahlil night, the bath robe to be used at nenek's because the towel I had could just be less travel-friendly, for packing up my things when I couldn't think straight on what to pack, the passion fruit tea you made (the tea was really soothing), and just all of your help and thoughtfulness... S.

To F, that was there all the time. It means so much, of your presence that I shouldn't ever taking that for granted.

And that one night's conversation, T. . . that you were there by only listening to my loneliness rants and tried not saying anything because you took me serious when I said I might just need a listener that do not have to say anything.
I guess I lied that time as I was being too defensive towards that particular guy, most probably that I was just protecting him. In fact, I needed a true listener; ones that do more than just listening. And you have been listening to me well enough, of all this while.

After all, each of you, are the best.

And the celebration uguys threw last night was a blast one, it was indeed one of those nights I don't want to forget. I felt blessed.
Meanwhile the boys . . . from the deepest of my heart, Thank You x 3






Therefore, this is it.
I am Auni.
This is 2018, and I am moving forward.

authentically as he is

"Talk to more people. Meet them around." 

"Don't get too comfort, be out. Meet others, speak more to people."- says everyone.

and then, I met a guy. (while this is not another episode of How I Met Your Father)

He isn't so far away from the comfort zone. He is the friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. But well, it is not just about him personally I must put a disclaimer first. He is the guy who made me throw bundle of questions and then left me, with even more questions to my life. 

What have you done in life, Auni? 

It's not just me I am quite sure, that he was a topic in our girls' conversation for days long. Not sure of others, but we were basically amazed that there is at least a guy like him. To be more specific, there is a human being exist in this techno world, doing fine and all sound; without distraction of social medias, those gadgets, never-ending dramas of others' lives. Yet, he is doing all fine.

Let me be more specific, he does not own any smarter phone than phone he held functionally enough to call and text people (which is fine), he does not subscribe to any data subscription (so no internet unless at places that offer Wifi), he uses bicycle to accommodate on daily basis (despite Edinburgh is a big city, he said to be cool with cycling) (he even went to Glasgow by bicycle, God knows it was 8 hours of cycling), he does not own any laptop or computer (which the reason is University has the facility for that) and just some other things which are to me very unusual and not many are capable to live that way.


yes, I am talking about how someone living their life. Because my point (from the bundle of questions I asked) was to know what is his passion- with an expectation the answer could be just the usual answer and likely could be some predicted answers from boys at his age. Likely I would expect that he can do gaming, or watching movies, or might be listening to musics. Or simply writing poetry. Or in most probable answer, he could at least playing football or interested in any sports. God, none of them were the answer.

In fact, he has been studying.


While it hasn't surprised anyone that he is an erudite among other students, hitting all As in every subject he takes. It amazes everyone how he put his priority straight and definite. Plus point on the fact that his past result from Alevel last two years was all As with stars for all three subjects (fact: A is hard worker, A star is simply gifted) and he had all three As with freaking stars. Can you imagine...


Despite all, I am amazed to how someone could actually make me revising of all I have done in life for all he has been doing and his answer to a question of "so really, what do you do in life?"

"Prioritising."- short but layered.



In fact, this guy I met has been living his life, not giving fucks for others but his lively set of priority. If I am allowed to hold jealousy of him, it is simply on how I wish to live life like how authentic life should be, minus all the distractions, the unnecessary need to putting an image for others because what only matters is you to yourself.

He made me realised that life is essentially made simple, the truest essence. But well, we put too much flavours, we lost. And to return to the state of basic, so very likely difficult and not easy: we got to 'detox'.

Life is sure interesting, to feel more and see more. But having all distractions especially from the need to impress, the image they expect you to put on and the standard built by society to have you believe it is 'the standard', life has been tiring since.

I must say I aspire to live authentically as life should be.

But I could not say life without distraction is life without social medias, or internet and what not. Everyone has their own set of priority while we all know ourselves better.

So maybe we can start with 'prioritising'.

Well, you got me.

at Princes St. Garden the other day

let go and let God

When I speak of Mama 

I would want to speak of her without tears

Though it's wound that never quite heal 

not even with time

For thoughts of her shall not be sad 
She once gave me comfort 
richness of life
all of that were happiness
and kindness
of one's life I should not disregard

When I speak of Mama

I would want to speak of her with proud

That she was the reason of today's strength

Her selfless prayers that worked magic

all my life, and all way the journey of us five

Those are all good stories of her good heart:
Thus, I want to speak of her without tears

When I speak of Mama

Shall I speak of her in the remembrance of God

who made her so perfect 
who now took her away
for Mama's next journey
I pray and shall always pray of her goodness
and safety
to the end of time
till then, my time. 

Today,
no words better 
than to let go
then let God. 

-ay

"Be sure we will test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives, but give glad tidings to those who are steadfast, who say when afflicted with calamity: 'To Allah we belong and to Him is our return.' They are those on who (descend) blessings from Allah and mercy and they are the once that receive guidance." 

(al-Baqarah: 155)

Al Fatihah

what's up, so far

fast forward to our 10th day in Edinburgh, that we finally have settled down while unpacking all those sambals and serundings we brought all the way from home. the fun fact is that me myself also brought 1.5kg of sambal hitam pahang, hope for it to be enough till the 10 months end. it's.... really a long way to go. 

one thing about UK that I found to be different I must say is their service product. IDK if that's to be considered just the English way of working when everything should be done in just proper way. and since my glasses had broken while I had no other choice but to make a new one here; I opted to make an eye test beforehand. while back at home, we can just walk in to the optic store and get into the process instantly; it's different here in UK. first of all, i may need to book an appointment (the eye test session), either by online booking and walk-in booking. during the appointment (this amazes me, somehow) that their eye test is just overall more thorough and detailed, they even had to capture the backside of my eyeball as part of process. It took me an hour or more for it to be done, it was a long process but I extremely amazed with the result however. it's like making glasses is a crucial health product so the process could be very detailed before reaching to full diagnosis of patient's eye condition. 

not to mention, their banking process. setting up a bank account has never been tougher, in UK. as told, I may need to walk in to the physical bank to make my appointment booking beforehand. so basically, UK's service product is taken seriously and in very very proper way (read: can't it just be easier). i am... not complaining (disclaimer) however, I am mostly impressed somehow with how things are done differently here. i found it to be unique, yes.  

since we only have two classes in a week, we spent most of the time exploring Edinburgh; visiting the tourist attraction and treating Princes Street like our second home as there wasn't a single day we hadn't visited Princes Street. It just the interchanging place to another place in Edinburgh. 

here are some photos at Royal Botanical Garden, Edinburgh; took 2 buses from Clermiston Road. 

till then. 

hello Edinburgh!

Hello, Edinburgh! We finally met in person. 

You have always been my dream since ever. Now that we first met each other, I have fallen in love with every part of you, your people and the scenery you offer me. For upcoming 10months, I'm feeling you lively and that you are no longer a dream. Now, a reality. Allah has definitely granted my Dua'. Syukur. 

It was such long hours of journey. We made through the 14 hours flight from KUL to Doha and then finally Edinburgh. It was exciting yet tiring journey as the flight given was packed that I broke my glasses while on the way to toilet, just on the first 7hours of flight. I mustn't that lucky that day. 

We arrived just at the right time when the city has just started their day as early as 7am in the morning. My first view was Costa, and of course I was excited as the last time I had Costa was a cup of latte processed from machine back in Malaysia. This time, it's one lively man-made coffee. 

Perfecto! 

Let's start my journey to Edinburgh with my deep insecurity as we hadn't secured any homes just yet, we were gambling over limited homes around Edinburgh. Was also in a great opportunity cost, either want to pay less but being far from the uni, or having it less with the offer of unfurnished ones, also paying little bit more with better spacious for house that could cater 5 girls in one place. That was hard, with no phone numbers, no account numbers and just 10days of booked Airbnb; life was terribly unexpected for 10days to come after we first arrived. 

but Allah has eased our journey in a way I have never expected. Edinburgh did welcome us with the warmest greeting ever, that the host of our Airbnb; Geoffrey is very kind at heart that he offered us to just rent the Airbnb we are staying and make it our home for 10 months! and I tell you, we pay below the average rate while having the home too perfect in every aspect. Allah bless. Our Airbnb is just in his house compound which is perfect; it's like you are being taken care of by the local! 

The only opportunity cost now is that, we have to take two buses to University which located in Riccarton.  In average of 30 to 40 minutes from Clermiston Road to get to the campus, I think that is more than enough. I am sufficed. The first bus would stop at the Haymarket just nearby the city centre and then, to Riccarton (read: everyday is a shopping day) 

Talking about food, I think searching for halal food isn't that hard. You can but I won't suggest. Halal food is more pricey and doesn't satisfy my taste bud while I am not even picky when it comes to food.  Grocery shopping is way cheaper here that it'd more preferable to just cook and eat. I never enjoyed home-cooked meal than I am now. Hope to polish everyone's cooking skill while we are here!

The weather is colder than any place in UK I think, though it's still Autumn but we need to sometimes wear 2 to 3 pieces to suit the 11 degree of celsius. Or maybe that's just my Asian skin. 

The best part of all I think, it's our school schedule that we only have 2-days of classes in a week! ...and the rest of the week... well, you know what to do. how to spend... (travelling over the weekend!)

Everything here in Edinburgh is just right so far, we managed to settle one by one with the help of those kind souls. while Allah ease this journey to the end. to more stories in the upcoming 10 months. 

till then, 

Edinburgh- New Town

Edinburgh- Coates

Edinburgh- West End

Edinburgh- The Canongate

and to a great first semester of our final year, 

While waiting for the bus to Riccarton

@Heriot Watt University, Edinburgh. 

pre-departure

"Now that, you are really living your dream."

Someone said to me, and I realised shit just got real and in few days to come, I'll be living my dream (for real). But I am not sure as if it is ever what I've always wanted; to have everything into place again and to feel good and whole again. Is that real good one thing to happen? Would that ever be my dream, to have my dream realised into one freaking reality? I don't think, I ever even have thought this could be this far. I am not sure, if I ever ready to wake up and live my dream. 

Honestly I didn't feel a thing when I received the recent result. I didn't feel a thing when I sit my IELTS exam weeks ago and even passed it well. Even the day I got my visa handed over to me, I didn't feel a thing. But, I started to feel a thing when everyone has started to give attention. When everyone who has been with me, started to dream my dream and cherished my achievement like theirs. Some just shed tears while instantly say "finally, Auni" (it could both sound sarcastic and melancholic to me personally) but they were also those who never know my story now started to listen more and feel more.

That is just an overwhelming August; at least to me. 

I worried for Ma honestly, I worried for this family. There were things happened in a way, some were just too hurtful to bear but I forced myself to only see good and not to think too much. I couldn't think anymore better timing than this one. Allah knows better, and His plans are the best than of all mine.

While in the process of getting to settle everything, Abah is incapable to walk for weeks starting July to this day that he's still recovering. It reminded me of last 4 years when I was about to accept an offer going to Jordan, Abah was there all around. He was the most excited one that he was with me all the way to settle every document but never this time. the moment I broke the news that I was accepting the offer to UK and not Jordan, I could see clearly his disappointment like how he has put extra effort to have best for his daughter but I rejected the offer just like that, without even considering his thought. This time, as I was in this process alone I couldn't stop comparing how less stressful things could be if Abah could be as much as helpful like he was. Not that I am complaining but sometimes I wished I was still that little girl who need to be spoon-fed and be helped all times. 

.

.

.

Sometimes, I do think that I gave too many fucks in flying, I gave too many fucks in getting what I want. I was being too demanding and strict for my future me, I want just whatever I want. I forgot meaning, I forgot the purpose of how the dream even exist in the first place. I imagined of too many good things, I forgot the hard and difficult process getting through it. 

yet, until life slapped me once. Two years ago;  it was like as I was being reminded that at some point of life you gotta get what you need first in order to get what you want. 

and girl, you are too young and too dumb to think that all things are that easy. It was not. 

And life isn't just about all good things, your dreams and your lively craps that the plan you made is what made you-- YOU. Instead, it's when everything just fall out of place, and you would think as if you just lost the control, and you decide to let God in charge your life while you don't lose the courage to make things right again, that's when life fall into more bigger meanings -- while it making you: the better YOU. 

However, let's face the fact I am going to Edinburgh in two days. At least that's my deal for now. But I am not sure of so many things (too), we haven't secured any homes yet, my dissertation is being procrastinated while I am in hard and long think how do I spend entire one year wisely and in full productivity. Seriously, how. and then, come back for good. 

But I won't give too many fuck, anymore. I'll just do what it takes, I'll just do whatever that is required. While enjoying each moments, to the best. 

At this point, I aspire to get just the best in everything that offer chances. 

We'll see.


Let's take a moment, however to address my full gratitude to those who have been with me all around to this point of where I am standing.

Finally, Auni. 

the obliterated April

today is April 1 and,

































that day was on April.

untuk dia; makna

aku mencintai seorang pria yang ku fikir telah lama aku kenal 

berbulan lamanya ku fikir, dia lah orangnya 

pergi dan datangnya pula seolah malu tetapi mahu

ku kira, mungkin saja ini permainan laki-laki zaman ini

aku mencintai seorang pria yang entah dari mana

kadang saja, dia itu membahagiakan

kadang banyak pula, dia cuma orang-orang yang mahu saja aku terlupakan

aku mencintai seorang pria yang ku fikir telah lama aku kenal

lalu aku diamkan banyak celanya

aku bahasakan baik-baik saja soal dirinya 

untuk aku, dia itu bukan pria biasa-biasa 

pasti saja dia tahu apa yang diperlakukannya, lalu siapa kita ?

dalam diam dan dalam rahsia

dia ternyata bukan pria biasa-biasa

yang kamu bisa dengar, tapi buta-- 

yang kamu bisa lihat, tapi alpa-- 

soal cerita-ceritanya dia. 

berbulan lamanya ku kira dia ini tak kurang hanyalah picisan semata

yang hanya tahu datang adalah untuk pergi

mencintai pula dalam berniat untuk menyakiti

atau... aku yang selalu berburuk sangka

soal pria yang aku sendiri cinta 

kerana ternyata, setelah semuanya 

telah aku cintai seorang pria yang cintanya terlebih dulu mendahulukan Tuhan

untuk itu, aku ditinggalkan---

ketika cinta dia adalah jauh lebih baik dari cintaku yang tadinya.

@ Royal Botanical Garden, Edinburgh

look away

It was on April, since last two years after we first met. To this particular time, it has been a year long we don't see each other. We thought, I mean, I thought there will be no more Jason after August last year. Like usual, Jason left when things get hard. Jason would be in no vacant of time, when I pursue to meet each other. As always, Jason has been forever 'too' busy. 

I have accepted; the fact that a move shall be made. I must turn my way away from him. He held no good in me with him being silent and me not wanting any less than one lengthy explanation. Of all my confusion, my rage, my bottled up emotions, my endless tire of waiting too long, my continuous demand of attention and all that I ever received-- was nothing in return. 

What a waste, I have gathered all year long. 

I imagine being married to Jason sometimes, carrying his child, sharing household with him, working long hours in just to come back to Jason's love and affection-- that is to be still an imagination in my imagination. In my wild imagination, Jason will not be capable in providing whatever I need from him, I'll be extra too much for him, 'too kind', 'too beautiful', 'too smart' and however I try to be enough for him, I could just never be. 

My 'too much' has been the chaos that destroy Jason's ego. 

To his mind, he could never be enough for me and poetically, he would go silent while looking at me as I deserve someone better. and that is to be while he still hold my left hand, handcuffed while tightly chained to his right hand. His eyes scream as he wants me and only me. But, his body stays still. No moves, not even a single little one move forward. He is frozen like a dead body. 

That is, how fucking selfish a man can be. 

'he wants you. but his ego tells him not to, neither lets himself to let go.', the crowd must have thought before finally look away to the girl while saying

'Poor that girl.'




.
.
.



No, this story hasn't ended yet. I have plenty to tell about.


It has always been about my confusion, my curiosity and my dumbness to know more than what I actually ought to. With Jason, it could sinful if you keep questioning things. You can't keep questioning, let alone asking bunches of literally questions. It is either you will be left unanswered, or you will be left with... yourself making up your very own conclusion.


and that's pretty exciting. It's like trial and error quest, when you got to passionately find the one that fits. When you finally found the right one; bingo!

of summer and July

Get this into your mind, when people say they hate July, they actually hate the summer days. Summer has always been odd times, at least to my life. Only during summer I got to meet people I don't actually have chance to meet them in other season. They are I suppose to call 'summer people'; they are temporary and do not last long yet until the new season comes. That is odd. 

And summer people aren't typical ones. Of all possible casualties in this world and of time, they exist (read: available) only to your world on that particular time, and will eventually disappear not long after that. And when you meet them, you don't actually come to meet them on rough surface of know-each-other. It could be deep, personal and sentimental. Sometimes, it is close to something like 'almost' but actually never make it through the end. Only when summer ends, then they are gone. 

I start with July 2016, I met Jason. The guy who I have known for years but only had chance to know him deeper and more personal in the summer of 2016. It was lovely, fascinating, wonderful and peaceful at heart. I had stories of Jason somewhere in this blog, as because it was too precious I turned into fiction until I realised Jason's stories were valid only of that summer 2016. Nothing good to talk about  Jason anymore after that, at least that is one end to my summer stories. 

Move on to July 2017, I met two boys. Also, the ones I have known for years but only had chance to know them, talk to them throughout that summer of the year. And once again, I never heard of them on the following season. That was strange; one was from my primary school clans, and the other one was from my college old days. Both these boys; are legit from nowhere, but they are good and genuine. I could make it last long with one of them, but I wasn't sure so we all left when the season left then. 

and July 2018, luckily I learnt to not make it anymore with summer people. Maybe I'm sick with things that come and go, I'm sick with temporary, or this time I just want something that last all seasons. Maybe I'm getting 'more' adult, that I don't mess with some temporary connections anymore and craps that follow after that. So, it's safe to say I met none. 

No one was available, neither was I. 

But one thing I am quite sure of this whole summer thing is that, summer people are valid only in that season. We are just from everywhere in this world but it's home season for summer. Everybody just in vacant for anything new and (maybe) random; they are open to talk and are more free to get into connection. So, we mess with randoms, and randomly we are there for random people. We are not sure where we are going after the season ends, but neither we think it's important to know the after-direction because everything feels good. 

We don't need to know other things, but only what we have in that particular season. We cherish 'today' and never bother of 'tomorrow'. But wait until the reality comes in, we get to go back to our things, our life and our typical days where none of these summer people were exist before. 

by that time afterward, we may sometimes think about the summer people we met, but we seem to find no valid urge to pursue them anymore connections what more to even say 'hi, how are you' , we just get too busy. 

and in the end, we do agree that just like season, people change; we conclude ourselves. I concluded my summer stories all to myself. maybe it was just me, but i hate July. i hate summer. and i hate to tell myself:

"that's okay, this is life anyway. that's fine, Autumn is arriving."

ini raya saya

Raya 2018 is nothing like any other previous years, I can make sure of why. Apart of having only just one kampung compared to two of decades ago, I guess having less is just more. Starting from how I made this year's Ramadan to be really important, so does my Raya. I wanted to feel and see more and just be with more people; those I call 'favourites'. Getting to have smaller circle of friends as I growing up older is no joke at all, that is a real truth that I must keep only what's and who's important. It's either some are not meant for me because they are under-valued to be in the spot, or it's me who are under-valued to be in their life spot. But I am blessed just to have what I have now, I feel almost complete at least to this point.

The story of how I lost my another kampung was a typical one, like others, I had my grandparents left us both in the same year, and that was also a sad memory that eventually we lost not just a kampung as a place to celebrate Raya but also relatives who would regularly visit the house, basically we lost a home both as a physical house and the feeling as well. That is tragic, I am telling you. 

But we moved on. 

We believe bonding must be kept as what it has been, it just sacred. Even so, right after we back from both kampung, relatives did come to our house in Klang. Even those from afar. That's true then air dicincang takkan pernah putus. 

Here are some photos during Raya at Ma's side @ Banting, Selangor. 

1st day of Raya begins...

Women of the house

Cousins

Grandparents with their grandchildren

 Moreover, I also took chance to meet Sara Fara and Sari on 4th day of Raya, since all of them were yet to balik kampung. Thus we met up. 

Here are some photos with them @ The Depot by JWC 

Baraan is which a group of people going for a visit to beraya (like attending open houses, or merely a visit to bonding) so we did this year, with a bunch of friends exactly on 6th and 10th day of Raya. 

All are friends from high school, such a memory we mesmerise while beraya. 

on 6th day of Raya with desk-mates while in high school

Pardon Boboj, focus on others haha

This proves that the sun was too hot I got natural highlighter

Now this was on 10th day of Raya, still baraan we are. But somehow this one was a little bit different because,
#IniBaraanAdnin and #bukandeekaycrew. Legit hashtags..

Adnin was another class, basically it's Sara's legit class and gang (just to be sure) and I was coming to pick up and meet her to attend Hi-Carl's open house in Shah Alam. But you know I got my best friend such a smart ass, she used me (read: forced me) to as well join her baraan that of course wasn't where I belong to. What to do, a kind-hearted friend such myself won't say no. Of course I'd be joining with first stated that

 'I might have curfews'

'Mak aku confirm suruh balik before 4' 

'Dah jangan paksa aku'

So from hi-carl's house, the adnians were then decided to move on to YB's house, which located somewhere along my way to balik rumah so why not kan. Okay then after that yada yada bang! we were already in the fourth house of the day so basically I was in the baraan of their class eventually! Yeah, expect the unexpected. Coincidence? Well, not so. 

Overall, I think I did miss my school times. 

I.. miss going back to school and, just laugh and laugh and laugh some more until well idk but that life was good. The bond was there, like you don't have to know some people well enough to joke around with no one getting butt hurt. All because we were on the same ground, we look something from one same side, even if we don't, we still cherish the difference. And there was nothing like judgment if someone being more or less, we celebrate the bonding. The best part, you speak sarcasm and they will laugh thinking that was some sort of a joke haha yes.

it was. 

so. this is my raya. 10 days of fun surprises. 

Till next time, all. 

dearest you two

To Nuts (our forever favourite 'kacang', duh)

 If there's one thing I want to say first and foremost, that is Thank You; for everything you've given me and just for everything I've taken from you.

How I wished I could give more than what I could, more than you think you must have deserved. 

Knowing you has made me in reflect, you taught how fine to be who I am and just proud to stand and be on my ground despite whatever people would say and whatever people would think of me. 

I learnt to pick up my self identity, while no others friendship has offered me this. 

So on the day you feel less powerful, remember that you have made someone to have found her true self and even live with it, that is just how powerful you have been.

On this day you growing up wiser, I hope for you to always be in cheers and be good.

To Ty (a girl who got her mind some years in advance)

You've turned twenty-two, just so you know shit has got real and we ain't young anymore so please please, be more serious! By serious, I mean you're obliged to spend sometimes easing your mind by colouring some mandalas I got you, be sure to develop the hobby! 

My wish for you on this special day of yours is nothing but the best in everything you do

I pray for all goodness in this world to reach you and may you be happy always.

Thank you for everything we have shared; the random conversations that just about everything under the sun, our endless silly jokes and ofc the challenge you have made me doing (i swear it just hilarious to think how far we've gone our way only to realise all these were just... well a mess but I must say now how much I enjoyed taking up the challenge)
(but it is fine though, as we have nothing to lose here, do we?)

Happy 22nd of birthday both of you, you guys have been an awesome duo to one another! Cheers!

great words from a great man

(Poem by Imam Al Shafi'i ra) 

دَع الأيــَّــامَ تــَــفــعــَــلُ مــَــا تــَــشــَـــاءْ

Let Days go forth and do as they please

و طــِــبْ نــَــفـــْــــســـاً إذا حــَــكــَـــمَ الــقــَـــضــَـــاء  

And be optimistic when destiny decrees 

و لا تــَــجــْـــزَعْ لــِــحـــَـــادِثــَـــةِ الـلــَّــيــَـــالــى  

And do not despair due to the events of nights past

فــَــمــَــا لــِــحــَـــوادِثِ الــدُّنــْـــيـــَــــا بــَـــقــَـــاء

For the events of this World were not meant to last

و كــُــنْ رَجــُـــلاً عــلــى الأهــْـــوالِ جــَــلــْــداً  

And be a man, strong in the face of calamities 

و شــيــمــَــتــُــكَ الــســَّـــمـَــاحــَــة و الــوفــَـــاء 

And let your nature be that of kindness and honesty

دَع الأيــَّــامَ

Let Days go forth

دَع الأيــَّــامَ تــَــفــعــَــلُ مــَــا تــَــشــَـــاءْ

Let Days go forth and do as they please

و إنْ كــَــثــُــرَتْ عــُــيــُـــوبــُــكَ فــى الــبــَــرَايــَـــا  

And if your faults become too much in front of the people

و ســَـــرَّكَ أنْ يــَــكــُـــونَ لــَــهــَـا غــِـــطـــَــاء

And you wish that they were to be concealed 

تــَـــســـَـــتــَّـــرْ بالــســَـــخــَــاءِ فــَــكــُــلُّ عــَــيــْــبٍ  

Then know that kindness covers all faults 

يــُــغــَــطــّــيــهِ كــَــمــَــا قــِــيــلَ الــســَّـــخــَـــاء

And how many faults are kept hidden by kindness! 

و لا تــُــرِى للأعــَــادى قــَــطّ ذُلاً  

And never show weakness to an enemy

فــَــإنَّ شــَــمــَـــاتــَـــةِ الأعــْـــداءِ بــَـــلاء

For dispersion of foes is a calamity 

دَع الأيــَّــامَ تــَــفــعــَــلُ مــَــا تــَــشــَـــاءْ

Let Days go forth and do as they please

و لا تــَــرْجُ الــســَّــمــَـــاحــَــةَ مــِــنْ بــَــخــيــلٍ  

And generosity cannot be hoped from the miserly 

فــَــمــَــا فــى الــنــَّـــارِ لـِـلــظــَــمــْـــآنِ مــَــاءْ  

For no water exists in the Fire for the thirsty 

فــَـــلا حــُـــزْنٌ يــَــدُومُ و لا ســُـــرورٌ 

No sadness lasts forever, nor any happiness 

و لا بــُــؤْسٌ عــَــلــَــيــْـــكَ و لا رَخــَـــاءْ  

and you shall not remain in poverty or any luxury 

إذا مــَــا كــُــنــْــتَ ذَا قــَــلـــبٍ قــَــنـــُـــوعٍ

If, in your heart, you possess contentment 

فــَــأنــْــتَ و مــَـــالــِــكِ الــدُّنـــْـــيـــَـــا ســـَـــوَاء  

Then you and those who possess the world are equal 

دَع الأيــَّــامَ تــَــفــعــَــلُ مــَــا تــَــشــَـــاءْ

Let Days go forth and do as they please

و رِزقــُــكَ لــَــيــْـــسَ يــُــنــْــقــِــصــُــهُ الــتــَّــأَنـــِّــى  

Your provision will not be lessened due to life's delays 

و لــَــيــْــسَ يــُــزيــدُ فــى الــرِّزقِ الــعــَــنــَـــاء

And it cannot be increased due to your haste 

و مــَـــنْ نــَــزَلــَـــتْ بــِــســَـــاحــَـــتــِـــهِ الــمــَــنــَــايــَـــا  

And for him upon whose horizon death descends 

فــَـــلا أرْضٌ تــَـــقــيــهِ و لا ســَـــمــَـــاء  

No earth can offer him protection, nor any sky 

و أرْضُ اللهِ و اســِـــعـــةٌ و لــَــكــِـــنْ  

Indeed, the earth of Allah is certainly vast 

إذا نــَـــزَلَ الــقــَــضــَـــا ، ضــَــاقَ الــفــَــضــَـــاء

But if decree descends, then decree is constricted 

دَع الأيــَّــامَ تــَــفــعــَــلُ مــَــا تــَــشــَـــاءْ

Let Days go forth and do as they please

و طــِــبْ نــَــفـــْــــســـاً إذا حــَــكــَـــمَ الــقــَـــضــَـــاء  

And be optimistic when destiny decrees

دَعْ الأيـــَّـــامَ تــَــغـــْـــدُرُ كــُــلَّ حــِــيــنٍ  

Let days be the ones that betray you at all times

فــَــمــَـــا يــُــغــْـــنــِـــى عــَــنْ الــمــَــوْتِ الــدَّوَاء

For no cure can avail a person of death 

دَعْ الأيـــَّـــامَ تــَــغـــْـــدُرُ كــُــلَّ حــِــيــنٍ  

Let days be the ones that betray you at all times

فــَــمــَـــا يــُــغــْـــنــِـــى عــَــنْ الــمــَــوْتِ الــدَّوَاء

For no cure can avail a person of death 

دَع الأيــَّــامَ تــَــفــعــَــلُ مــَــا تــَــشــَـــاءْ

Let Days go forth and do as they please

و طــِــبْ نــَــفـــْــــســـاً إذا حــَــكــَـــمَ الــقــَـــضــَـــاء  

And be optimistic when destiny decrees