first year of university; spent

So yesterday was the last day of my first year of undergraduates. It also means that one year has passed from the day I marked to be flying somewhere in Europe, for some reasons I did not; that I am here pursuing what I got to do all because I got to do what I got to do. Making it to local private university was never in my plan, settling down my study here in Malaysia was never in my plan, still; I am here. But surely that didn't upset me for so long, I got over it. I moved on. This is it. 

As much as I am being remembered to count every blessing, I must say I am blessed in the way I never have thought. Allah has indeed been so good to me, it just me; being this flawed me and screw things up every time. What did I do to deserve this good treat from Him. Ignore those material aspects, I am more delighted to address my gratitude to have both Bah and Ma, Dibby and all other sibs along with this process of me growing up. 

I had all the four papers done in two weeks, along that of one month of studying and revising. If I was to be in UK, that one month (like all other friends) would be spent either by travelling or just mesmerising the amazement of easter break. But nothing to regret, I was here enjoying my weekend visit seeing parents. What's better, though? 

Stop comparing, and embrace the way I have it here. That one thing I tell myself every time scrolling instagram feed while browsing through friends' legit hashtag #Ztravelogue. 

This one last month before final of the first year was to me, hell tiring. I got myself mad over those sleepless nights and endless dependency on coffee. And I had my phone gone half numb, due to my negligence. I couldn't communicate to anyone through text, but only call. So imagine the struggle when I am about to ask just one simple little thing and there is no other options but to call them instead? What. An. Effort. 

So here to the upcoming three months I'll be spending doing nothing. Well, I don't plan anything yet. Had to do internship in mind, but for some reasons I couldn't pursue it. But I'd like to earn some money, for fun. Still, no plan has been made just yet. Maybe later, when I get all everything unpacked and I'll start to do the thinking then; of how I'm gonna spend this long 3months break. 

this face you made after screwing up law paper; i mean it just me lah 

Happy holiday 🎉

to the guy who makes me wait

To the guy who makes me wait 

You would want to ask me why and how 

Somedays, somehow, you would want to know 

But now, 

Let us be frank, simple and, be easy 

For that is what I am capable of doing 

As this is a part of my liking

Towards you, in being here, spending my leisure in waiting. 

To the guy who makes me wait

You would want to know, why

Either less or more, look through my eye

You would know, how this is made

How this decision finally to be in state 

Of where I am firm and not being hesitate

How should you read me, shall you know how.

It may burn me

This waiting might burn me

Somedays, somehow when I am about to losing the courage

So now depends, for I am not among prophets and saints

My limitation somedays, somehow might come to numerous ends

be humble, despite do not just be gamble

By God's guidance, have a plan 

From state to state

In bringing this undefined feeling

To one final upcoming 

Upon awakening and under the Divine wing, 

Learn, my darling, on how to end this waiting. 

a.y.

i'd be your writer

That's me; the brave girl who has fight way too long to reach this point

to be able to believe again, and 

to trust again

and that I chose you not because--

you are nothing flawed, or because 

you are anything bold

you are just you, your well-defined self

you are, the package of you as the one that I chose

despite, the intricate nature of yourself

despite, my heavy mind and impulsive heart

I made myself to choose you

despite various of options 

with all my reasons

you are chosen; for the logics I couldn't count

and for the sake I couldn't mount

you were, nothing all days before now

but today, you are the main actor in my story

the prologue I've produced at one page line 

the epilogue I'm about to have at end of time

this tale, you see, I'm about to tell--

is the journey of wanting and desiring

more or less about giving

sometimes, requires taking while-- loving

but--

I may need some cooperations, a good persona acts in this story made

I may want you to stay, under this spotlight I've prepared

between my vulnerability and the courageousness of mine

for it has always been you in this insane mind

so be the role, be my hero

be this story's actor,

be my knight in shining armour

but do not just act, be more of real you --instead

be patient, for it's about to aim

for you to be the role in my world of main

be honest, for it's about to begin

for you to be the persona in this entire theater till the end

stay cool, my dear; I'm the best writer

and the best fit to make you the better

be nearer, i won't harm nor scare 

do not be in fear, instead be in my care

promise, this hand is made safe

so that's now as you have to believe and behave

trust, for I'm one of fantasy's best writers

made up of the best characters

i would create you stories and long letters

and for in all seriousness and madness,

I borne to be your ultimate writer, 

something for you to cherish, for no one luckier to have me but--

you as my tale's warrior. 

a.y.