As you wish, Orked.

A continuation of this previous post.

 Note that, this is narrated by Jason. 

I met Orked after years at this one event joined by a group of friends. I might know Orked, somehow, years ago. I might just not know her, I am still not sure that I can't tell. But, we met. Orked's love for coffee has been something I idolise about since the very first moment I saw her after years. She has always been like that, so passionate when talking about her things. The sparks in her eyes, the movement of her lips. Too beautiful, Orked is just too good to be true. I thought. 

I couldn't recall any of those days when I actually had the chance to talk to Orked in high school. We were so stranger to one another, and it must be extra overwhelming to get to talk to Orked. Orked has this aura, and for this reason I never want to talk to her. She is this extra; thus who am I to Orked's eyes in that particular time. Or maybe that's just me underrating my own self. 

My pulse stopped when actually Orked took a sit just in front of me. Now, that we are facing to one another; my heart stood still. I wanted to start the conversation, but no words of importance just yet. The small talks need to take their place, now. But would Orked ever want to go for my small talk? I am not sure, but that night, I underestimated on how good I am in talking to people. 

'So, how have you been?', I started. 

'Nothing much, I've just finished my short course, and currently waiting for the call to pursue the next stage of my studies. Nothing much, really. How about you?'

'Apparently I'm on my summer break. There's nothing much to do, than lying in bed and going out with friends sometimes.'

'That's cool, I've always wanted to just hanging out with friends. My recent two years have been very hectic. I rarely got time to socialise.'

She made an effort to talk to me, how nice it was. And then the rest of the night has been occupied of too much of goodnesses, I couldn't get it over. Eternity is before me: I had better to ask her out soon.

I asked her out exactly on my birthday, I kind of wanted to spend my birthday night with her. I wasn't sure of that, but I did ask her out. I couldn't think of any better days than that night. After a silence of some minutes in the car, I approached her with random question. 

'I like watching movies. Shall we give one watch together tonight?'

'Oh, that's cool. Movies have always been my things I do during leisure time. What is your favourite, just to be sure?'

'I think my favourite has always been The Usual Suspect. Have you seen that one?'

'Yes, it was a great one. No shame, but I didn't expect the ending to be like that. When I watched it with my brothers,  I got laughed by them as they said it was such an expected ending. Unless I am too dumb to not know it. Haha.

But I guess that was just their trick to get to call me the fool one.' 

We laughed out together. Orked had passionately told me how she has a big crush over Indonesian romance movies. She adores Nicholas Saputra, a little too much. She had saved her big heart for Indonesian poetry. She have always sounded smart, or maybe it is just her. She's indeed, a smart lady. She knows things quite well. To me, she is the smartest girl I've ever met. 

Yes, she is. 

To me, Orked is different. 

I never thought Orked could be that one girl I would promise a future. I mean, I never thought of anyone, either. I have my life, and my awesome cliques. I didn't want to lose this freedom, yet until I met Orked. She's different. Somehow, she changed me. In a way I've never imagined myself to be.

I started to talk about future plan with her. I shared how I recently started to get involve in business. I shared my business plan. I showed her the entire what I've done, and what I'll do. I wanted Orked to be a part of my present, more than that, I wanted her to be a part of my future.

In her, I have a firm belief.

I have never been so sure about a girl, but with Orked I kind of have something to save for her. Days after days, months after months, I realised I could make it in more better way. I wasn't sure how, but I wanted to tell her to keep waiting for I am not sure of what is coming. But, I had faith for good things to come. 

I hoped, that time, Orked would understand. There was no way for her not being understanding, she has a great understanding though. I thought, she knows me quite well; Orked must understand. 

But I broke her heart quite numerous times too. Sometimes, I lost my balance. I forgot to return calls. I left her hanging with blue ticks, unanswered questions, and un-replied emojis. Dare how could I do that, but I've tried. 

I've tried to give a part of myself as well. There was a night when I sent her my photo I took during winter. I made her close to my heart by sending her photos during my diving camp. I took her closer by bringing her enjoying my times during summer break. I took her everywhere. Though it was just a bunch of photos to get her imagining. 

I've tried. But true in what people said, love solely was never enough. 

I couldn't sacrifice for more. Orked had been too good, I must set her free than trap her for longer time with my unintended coldness towards her. But, I didn't have the heart to tell. 

Call me a jerk, I made myself silent for so long. I wanted Orked to stop by herself. 

Expectedly, she did. 

I remembered the last night I agreed on her to have our final conversation. It was after a year. 

'How are you doing, Jason? I want to make sure you going back to London with ease at heart. And if there was anything here that hold you back, I hope you can let it go. Even I, have let you go.'

'Thank you. You have been very nice, Orked.'

'Isn't it realistic that finally we got to give up on such beautiful feeling, over reasons we never sure about?'

'Wouldn't that lead to be a bit of idealising, you think? Because it was me that do not deserve the perfection of yours. You have been overqualified to stand besides me, Orked. And that is sufficed, I am quite sure, to just go to how it flows.'

'But if you’re imposing what you can’t find in yourself to that of others, then it might not be realistic to do so. It is, idealistic.

And it’s not always about finding someone who’s come ready with the whole of what you look for. Maybe there is room for growth together in any relationships.', Orked continues. 

I have no doubt with Orked's language. She must be true. I nodded. Why do I do this to myself. Orked had been waiting for the last chance, I could see through her eyes. She was to be nice, again. I told her, there will be a day. But, deep inside me, I never sure of when. And I didn't say any words that lead to rejections to her. Maybe, this was just like any other days I've put Orked through. She was going to hear my last reply. 

'As you wish, Orked. As you wish.'

without the heart to say 'no'.

One strange morning

A continuation from this previous post. 

Note that, this is narrated by: Orked

The shop was too crowded, and it was my first time there. From the Google search I did last night, the shop will be over occupied as early as 7am onwards. I must be early I said, earlier than 9am's Jason. A minute to 9am- anytime now, I thought. 

There was like a very long line of people queuing for the best Chee Cheong Fun in town. While I wasn't sure of what to have for this breakfast date, my eyes just couldn't stop wandering around. Tried hard not to look at each entry, for it has been a year not seeing Jason; this must my nervous wreck all over again. 

I've booked a table inside, just at the centre of the shop. Got two chairs for this table, I thought this must be just perfect for this breakfast date. Well, Jason mustn't changed from the last time I saw him, a year ago. Very punctual. I saw him first, from inside. I saw him taking a table outside. I swore over myself, that I must have forgot the fact that smoking area has always been the outside. How could I forget, how could I. 

It took 2mins to actually go to Jason that apparently had waiting outside. I felt the awkwardness, but there was nothing more I've been longing to, than to see his face, all over again. Just like the year that has passed. I must have missed him too much this time.

I took a chair beside him, now we are up fronting the entry of the shop; like a view. 

'It has been awhile. It's good to see you again, welcome back, Jason.'

It was strange, he didn't even replied with thank you before actually continues 

'So it must be frustrating for you not seeing me for such a long period of time.', says Jason with a little laugh at the end of his sentence. 

I laughed, as well. To break the ice, just to be less awkward. 

I ordered my coffee. Jason ordered his plain water. And we ordered a buttered toast, each. 

'I thought you drink coffee, Jason. Things must have changed, don't they?'

'I am on my gym schedule, it just the cut sugar thingy, just to be specific.', Jason acts cold. 

'I see.', I nodded. As there was his statement I need to agree to. This wasn't as the usual, I thought. 

I know this thing quite well. It is not about the awkwardness of two people not seeing each other for quite awhile. This is when feeling has lost its balance. I know. 

'I must have loved you extra too much, Jason. And what about you, like men losing his aim and objectives, why are you acting so savage? What wrongs have I made this time?'

'I don't know what to say anymore. I have things and priorities to handle.'

I heard them clear and harsh. It was strange but that sentence has penetrated my heart so painfully. 

'What do you need? I can provide you more time like how you've always got from me. I can give you years even decades, because that's just your trick in buying my time. Haven't it always like that?'

'Now you're acting a little more sarcastic than me.'

'We lost our way a long time ago. You realised, but you never want to act upon it. You kept silent, like a stone grown far too mature in the cave. You made me as I am such a fool; to be lied over waiting and waiting some more days.'

'I couldn't commit, I just realised it  A woman isn't what and who I need. I can't even fit you in any of my schedule and life. Of all I know, I do really like you. It just that, my time has been too mean to not allow me to give more than what I could. You are out of my capacity to earn, this time. I'm sorry.'

'You must have created another false hope this time, Jason. I can't remember any of those days you say this was an issue. Committing has should never be in our argument. I never owe your freedom, not even your life and commitment.

You mustn't seen me as the burden. You mustn't seen anything you love as your burden. How dare you could think that way? '

'This world has been too mean, and so am I. You can wait for me if you want to. All of these, I say, 

as you wish, Orked.', says Jason to sound mean. 

'This prediction was but half fulfilled. You acting easy, was the only thing that's in your capacity, isn't it Jason? And all of our dreams weigh on our spirits now, what am I to you? You say you like me: but truthfully no, you didn't. 

You don't know me enough to like me. You were just in love with me, and that time has long ago ended. What is left now, in you, is your ego, your insufficiency and your fragile-looking future.'

Jason reaches for one of his cigarettes, lights it and then leans back in the chair. Perhaps this is how I should stop describing this strange morning. I, on the other side, sip my coffee and try to imagine what it would be if things never even started in the first place. 

Or I shouldn't see Jason and be in love with him. Or perhaps I shouldn't meet him after we fall for each other, for the very early moment was too beautiful I wanted to stay adoring Jason and his manliness from afar; without hatred and regret. Pure and innocent, like him, in my mind projecting. 

The prologue of a tale

A continuation of this previous post. 

'I made up my mind. I finally figured out. That, somehow, something's going not right. I mean, it doesn't necessarily to be right or wrong though.

But I believe, it just the feeling I am talking about now. Dare to say it's not true, for I am more than heartfelt to claim the state of you and me. Thus, tell me, how are you feeling, Jason?'

Jason just stood there for a minute, he looked calm. This time, his calmness isn't like the usual; more of having things structured in his mind. He looks as he wants to say something,

so then he says

'There's no way you cannot be true, this time. I have deeply think over and over, I must not in well state of mind to say that I don't like you. In fact, I do.

But Orked, I must be too afraid to pour my heart out for you, and for us. Clearly, for your side of view, if you have the same positive feeling as I do, let's make it work through time. I would like to wait; for us to be true.'

'That's the loveliest and honest words to be heard. Let us, Jason. Let us.'

Orked smiles and then continues

'But I have some worries inside my heart. We are going places, and far from one another. Would things be fine, after all? What could happen then?'

Jason presses his lips together. They have been sitting side by side, leaning against the back of his couch, but now he moves away from her; trying to think of something. Silence filled the room.

'I don't know. We don't know either. But I have faith that things are going to be just fine. For from your eyes, I see my future. From your smile, I picture our potential. There is a good thing waited for us in future, I believe. Worry no more, Orked.

We take things slowly. Shall we?'

And.. that was the start of everything. The night that wasn't just about declaration but likely a promise to stay true. To love from the bottom of each other's heart. To discover the magnificent of love, to always know that they are all not alone. They have each other's back after all.