October 2019

Dear Adeen, 

You have seen something like this before, but I was using a fictional character I named him Ayden. Needless to say how Ayden's attributes were very similar with you, it just our story never truly begun. I held no hard feelings to Ayden, I was telling myself more than once that during the time that "Sun wasn't at the brightest and its light didn't treat us well the last time. It just, our time hasn't yet to come"

And then, today. To my surprise, you were sitting beside me, holding my hand so tight as every time like this gonna be our last meeting or I do not know how but it feels as we just won't let go of each other. 

But wait, it was nothing like a second chance honestly but a good faith that this story deserves a sequel. 

Dear Adeen, 

You didn't start to take care of me just recently. Maybe to you, it's all has just begun. But I have felt your presence to be meaningful ever since the last Winter. Ironically, your warmth doesn't last on me just for one season. I was carried away by it till today, and us meeting each other was a fortunate event for Auni, that she had a wish-- if and only if stars were aligned and our path would cross, that'd definitely be our "one fine day". 

And to her surprise, you are here. We are here. Not as just friends of convenient, but as a couple of souls who are keeping hope and ultimately good faith that this life will do us good this time, the Sun will be at its brightest in shine, we'll definitely be with each other till the end of time. I would hope for that, Sayang. 

I am writing this to remind myself, that I am giving us a second chance, of the faith that I have in you, of the guts I have in believing I deserve to be loved and cared, that I held full hope you could be that one I want to wake up to and share this life with me one day. On this night, during this second, I would like to let myself know that I have fallen in love again. Now that it's with no one else; but you. 

Thank you for being here once again, Syed A'deen ❣️

Surat untuk Mama

Twenty days in Edinburgh have so far treated me well, in fact it was some of my best days in life. Of course it was, Ma. I have been through a lot to reach this point. We prayed together for this, it wasn't just my dream. It was ours. You wanted to see me happy. You said you wanted to see me getting whatever I want. You said you would be happy if I am happy, your daughter. Now that the time I am enjoying our granted Dua'(s), our most awaited dream we've been talking about for years; you left. Who would have thought the goodbye I waved to you on the last twenty days was the last goodbye ever for us. And all that I was coming home for, is the memory of you. No longer physical presence.

Who would expect with the sudden joy then comes the sudden pain and the rest of story will turn melancholy?

It was the usual morning in Edinburgh, I woke up late but had phone in my hand instead. Read messages through notifications, I saw Kakak's messages and it was you acting not well that day. But you have always been worrisome to me, I know you Ma well enough my heart aches knowing anything could happen. I know your soul hasn't as strong as you were long before you reach 50. All your life you have been energetic, passionate and nothing but a strong mother. It broke my heart every time to see you complaining about your pain, meanwhile I tried to pretend as it just the minor ones. I don't know but I wished to do more than I could. Now, I wished I could do better when I had just all the time in the World when Allah has been delayed my Dua' two years ago. 

I took you for granted. 

I could do more. 

Like a nightmare, I woke up to a day while still living in my dream to the news that you were leaving me. 

My one and only Mama is leaving me. 

No tears were ever enough to represent my emotion that time, while waiting just for anybody to call me back to confirm the news. I even had chance to pray asking God, wishing everything will just be fine. 

Just after that I received a call from Dibby, confirming what is true. So the news was true, something I have never expected is happening today, at this minute. God knows how I never prepared to losing such an attachment to heart as Mama. In fact, she is the Mother. The first ones I saw and the first love I received ever since borned. 

For a moment, I wished I wasn't in Edinburgh. I wished home is a walking distance away. I wished I could pause time to see your face and hug your body just for once and for last. 

Ma, 

Tidak akan lagi Aku bertanya 'kenapa aku'. tetapi untuk apa sebenanrnya aku dipersiapkan? Kekuatan kali ini untuk tujuan apa, Tuhan? Apa yang sedang kau persiapkan buat aku?

Kehadapan Mama, 

Ternyata perjalanan adik baru sahaja bermula, Ma. Janggal rasanya, mencintai kamu yang lagi menjauh. Merindui kamu, seperti aku merindui malam yang hilang. Jauh, sunyi dan tanpa tahu kapan mahu bertemu. Seolahnya baru semalam kita bercakap soal rindu antara satu sama lain. Dan hari ini, adik cuma mampu bercakap soal rindu melalui kiriman doa; 

satu hala, dan tanpa balasan rindu semula. 

here we go again

 “Auni, things that are haram will stay haram even everyone is doing it. While halal thing will stay halal even you are the only one doing it” 

To hold to such advice, to remind myself once more that I am not too far away from where I belong and I shall turn back. 

For past few months, I have been trembling myself, losing balance. I’ve started to do things I wasn’t used to. I normalise actions I used to loathe before. I kept saying that it was okay as it just one time thing. And I shall seize this freedom while I had it. This thing I do will not in anyway define who truly am I. Because after all, people will judge anyways. So however and whatever I do, has nothing to do with anyone. It just me. And, no one will know. 

By just writing this post, I feel wronged. Sad. Not knowing if anything is the right thing anymore. But I want to be told, to be reminded… to be judged. So that I know, this way I have been treasuring is totally deceiving me. This life, this Dunya is manipulating me. The same way that this pleasure I enjoy is nothing but a calamity I should in every way stop cherish it.

The temporariness is deceiving me.

Through the end of March, I started to feel that this self isn’t recognisable anymore. I was questioning my worth, my identity; who I was and who is this demon that has been living in this body. 

I wanted to call home. Especially Ma. I wanted to tell her and get reminded one more time that I have her and I have nothing to worry. I have her to protect me from anything. I have her to protect me from myself. 

So often I have been missing her, and each thoughts I had of her would only bring me to more frustration that such her is not longer real. I could not even place a call to home anymore, what more to replay for one last time of her soothing voice. That is nothing but depressing. 

I am depressed, holding this thought that so many real things before are turning to only thoughts and imagination. That, everything is all in your mind. Nothing felt real anymore, only exist in your heart. 

I called Jason. 

I told him that I started to lose myself. I wanted a small talk. 

yet, here we go again.