already left

After Jason, there was of course another guy. Orked did meet someone new, we name it Ayden, the guy who existed for a limited time period say a month long, never less and never more. On Orked's journey of life that has been bumpy and gloomy... Ayden was somehow a temporary reason to smile.

Upon one-month, and before everything going back to normal again in Orked's life.. a letter has been prepared but is kept unsent---

To Ayden, 

I am writing this on 5th of January which means that we have two more days left before the period ends. and I would want you to read this while your mind is conscious and your heart is at peace. 

Ayden… a month with you has been nothing but amazing and unforgettable. It’s surprising to know how in this short span of time I learnt so much about myself, and about you. And most important, you proved me wrong that while you have no fear to show your affection and feeling to me…. i now believe there is still a guy out there that actually have the capability and all the potential in this world to love me right. 

I grew up being a girl that always came up too intense with my feeling and some just say how vulnerable I could be when it comes to love. But with you, for once I feel right just being who I am… and like I said to you before, you never force me to be somebody I’m not while in the same time you celebrate well my strength and never for once you judge my weakness. To a point now that I believe you are really one of a kind; you left impact to somebody that apparently is a broken soul. In fact is a positive impact… Thank you so much, Ayden… for existing. Thank you for every goodmorning(s), short reminders (though more to like you nagging) whenever I caught up careless, your first ever chapter of ‘Ayden’s cheesiness never goes off’, for waking me up in the morning, for being the best listener I could wish for… and just for every chapters of ‘Ayden’ you have taught me. 

Ayden, 

Before you came I did pray to God once, to just have anybody to cheer up my day and just take away my emotional burden. Thinking of it now, I sometimes wonder if you’re the answer to my prayer. If you are, then no words could describe how grateful I am to have you. And even not, as a human being, please know that you have done something right in someone’s life. You really, are the precious Ayden. 

Talking about feelings, now. I have no fear in telling you how I have caught with emotional attachment again this time, though how much I have tried not to. I caught feelings for you ever since our earlier days and I don’t mind letting you know. But let us be realistic, that my scar is more real while my past experience wasn’t a good story to tell, I haven’t quite healed and I don’t think I am ready and any sooner will be capable in loving another soul yet… more insane it would be for me to pour all my love for someone as amazing as you. I rather call myself delusional to imagine my future with you by just looking at my fear of the unknown tomorrows, and I haven’t seem settled with my broken yesterdays. While I quite acknowledge how this going to be a very long (also could be tiring) journey if ever we were to have something, I mind that we shall not continue and just keep best of what we had till this point. 

Thank you so much, Ayden; for a great one month conversation. No doubt it was the best one I had after so long. 

I will always pray for our path to cross, once again. That time I wish I could really love you, truly and honestly and even better. Till that time Ayden, I wish you nothing but the best in life. 

Yours truly,

Orked. 

With Ayden, it was merely a date and just it. A short one, a kind of feeling that hasn't been figured out but has been long enough treasured. Talked about many things with Ayden, shared some stories and some are the important ones.. with that wise amount of conversations Orked and Ayden had it gets to be worrisome of this process to Orked that in one way or another, this process breaks her a little. That she hasn't been dating anyone for quite number of years now and the number of meetings she went only brings her to frustration that no one has been figured out-- the answer; and that what breaks her the most. The shortfall of every meeting that in the end comes to nothing- like she hasn't been trying at all.

And all that she has been through, it only comes to presuming that maybe Orked doesn't even know what she wants anymore; what more to approach love. there is definitely an absence of connection somewhere, that even before Orked met love for the first time, love from herself has already left.

There's probably no room anymore.

Surat untuk Mama dari Baitullah

"Bumi Madinah menyapa aku tenang dan Tanah Mekah yang aku kira tempat lepas 'raung' dan segala tangis yang aku simpan juga selama waktu-waktu yang aku cuma perlu adalah pelukan kamu." 

Jeddah did welcome me with the warmest greeting ever, and the first view to see is how there was a separation between women and men section, along the process of queue in which women did have some privileges in term of their own security and spaces. I bet... this is just how special this place is. Women are being privileged here. In this place, women are honoured and protected.

Ma, pagi di Jeddah itu nyaman tetapi bising. Yang dirasakan janggal tetapi tidak asing. 

6 hours of bus journey to Madinah from Jeddah was long, it's like meeting the long lost lover... for that reason even a second feels like a year. and the journey from the after Fajr to before Zuhr comes... finally Madinah wasn't just a hearsay and a dream to me now, a reality.

I am now in Madinah, Ma. The place we have been talking for ages in going together.

Though it's just me here, alone and not having you. But always, my thoughts are with you and how I wish you were here.

The warm weather, unlike in the cold country I have been... it feels good to see the sunlight again in Madinah. Of the warmth it has to offer... that day was quite a sunny day but not too drying for skin so I bet it just bearable. Slightly windy but not at all cold to have any second layer to put on.  

That day, was really a nice day Ma.

From my hotel to reach Masjid An Nabawi, I would have to go through a small souk in between the journey. I had my first Zuhr prayer upon arrival. There were so many people, from all over the places wearing whites and blacks and all were rushing for one call. That was... surreal (to be honest). Imagine being in a crowded place, and listening to noises from people bargaining for cheaper deals here and there, but with just that one call it is like everything stops and there is no more other thing to do that is rather important than submitting ourselves all over again to gain blessing for the rest of the day.

I managed to get the second saf from in front, and Allah I couldn't forget my first sujood in the Masjid Nabawi, it was unspeakable feeling the moment I only speak gratitude to the marble ground that is covered with significantly beautiful carpet of the Masjid that smells nothing better than a large bed full of roses. I cried.

Ternyata Bumi Madinah itu bumi rahmat, Ma. Dan aku diperjalankan takdir untuk sampai kesini dan mungkin juga ini jemputan untuk kamu yang mewakilkan aku. Untuk apa dan bagaimana, tiada siapa yang tahu. Yang pasti, beban rindu sudahpun terlunas di sini. 

In Madinah, I find peace.
That none other places are ever comparable to this place. 

My love at a first sight has found, Ma. It's this city of Madinah; the city of Lights. 

Throughout days I spent in Madinah, alhamdulillah I got to visit The Rawdah more than once; the very special place that everyone has been talking about by the people who have been there and even by the people who have never been there. It's magical to know how this place is being loved by many, and for sisters it could be challenging as it definitely not that easy to be in Rawdah, trust me when I say you gotta have a great patience to come in through. but the moment you finally get to pray in the Rawdah, all the waits and patience were just worth it. 

“The area between my house and my minbar is one of the gardens of Paradise…” Hadith 

On this journey, our stay in Madinah lasted five days in total. And I definitely had a difficult moment in leaving the cosy Madinah, but surely I need to bear in mind that Mecca has something else to offer and in fact the whole motive of this journey of pilgrimage.

Here is to Mecca...

Melihat Kaabah buat pertama kali... aku jadi hilang. Semua soalan-soalan yang aku simpan seolahnya ikut tenggelam, dan aku jadi hilang.

Siapa aku di hadapan-Mu, Tuhan. 

Unlike Masjid An Nabawi where they have restricted time for sisters, The Haram is kept open for all hours. To me, Mecca is really a crowded place and while Kaabah is the attention for everyone, I bet for that reason I have to deal with some unpleasant experiences with (to me) very inconsiderate people. In Mecca, I could feel a little regret in coming here alone and without proper Mahram. In Mecca, I wished to feel more secured and protected (especially) during the peak hour where people keep coming around the Kaabah for tawaf. As a woman and apparently single, having Mahram to lead the way and over the crowd... is really much needed.

So many things have happened along this 2018, and most were undeniably impactful events I have never imagined to ever capable in going through each one of it, if it isn’t for the sake of Allah (and only Him). Along days and nights when I cried for better days I finally understand better now of how perfect Allah has planned everything for me... in ways that are unspeakable yet I am here anyway realizing how amazing this life could be. 

Though I haven't travelled the world, yet I am sure that the breeze of Madinah and Mecca are of its own and I hope this isn’t the last for me to breathe it. It’s surprising somehow that I prayed for December just to have one good proper closure and that I wanted to fall in love and be whole again; now I am beyond happy and grateful that my heart is taken and I have fallen in love 💕

Today, may all of our prayers be accepted and may we have a peaceful heart. Amin.

Untuk Mama, antara kita yang tiadanya kata akhir  ketahuilah aku akhirnya kesini kerana kita pernah berjanji untuk bersama-sama kemari

bersama-sama, Ma
dan bukan sahaja aku 
yang kali ini tanpa siapa-siapa

I have cried too many sunrises, desperately asking for another day in wanting to be blessed with your prayers. Like my usual days when you secured me with

"InsyaAllah, Ma doakan."

dan betapa kurang bertuahnya aku untuk berfikir yang tuntutan aku terhenti usai kau pergi. dan janji aku untuk saat ini, dan sampai bila-bila kiranya nafas aku masih ada...

InsyaAllah Ma, adik akan selalu doakan Mama.