Ode to the guy I once loved

What you need; isn't me

Nor my care, nor my intelligence

Nor my love, nor my independence

What you need; isn't just me

I mean, just not me.

What you need; isn't me

Nor my joke, nor my sarcasm

Nor my solitude, nor my confusion

Your summarised statement has confide---

That what you really need; just isn't me

You weren't hurtful

Even if you were, I don't think you wanted that 

But it did make my heart shatters

It sure did my mind wanders

Over July of the last year, where you bring me to the happiness I didn't deserve

To the path of love I didn't serve

Along days and months I have cried too many sunrises

All of this just because the business was about; 'what does a nice girl truly deserve?'

I can almost understand now

Of why and how

Of you drifting to my life and then slowly discarding my initial stand

Just like how empires and old loves end

and so are we, my once-loved man

Myself; isn't what you need

So be it

For myself has been too explosive

And it has been about time that indecisive

but more about patience like the story of beautiful Eve

Now "I am not what you need"; is what I have to receive--

And then, just leave.

a.y.

Inside the cake shop

I adore cups, saucers, and the noises of spoon, fork and dinner knife when they are being thrown out in the kitchen for washing. Those plates that once a while making people felt less hungry and at ease. For dinner they had was a family gathering they have missed so long to have. And the cake they chose was an agreed choice by everyone, so all of them could feel the same good feeling; happiness.

Look wider, look wider.

See the uncle who came for tea time but having a long black coffee instead. Alone like he's waiting for somebody to entertain. Or maybe, it's not anybody, but himself. He's wandering over himself as you can see.

At the cake counter was a queue. Well not a long one, but suffice to make anybody in anxious in waiting for their turn to speak out. Some prefer chocolates, some just stick to cheese and fancy flavour like 'fruitilicious'. You see, they are the same; bringing one desire to bring happiness and to light their loved ones' face with smile. Nothing have I seen to be extra positive such that. God bless their soul for being kind to their loved ones.

God bless this one husband's soul for asking such mad request in wanting 45 candles

"I want the cake to be written 'Happy Birthday My Lovely Wife' "

"I want 45 candles, because she's 45"

And, a loving son in one side, to be honest. Driving his motorcycle all the way to get one chocolate cake because the mother was a definite chocolates fan.

"Alright, sure that chocolate cake."

"Is it that big? Coz I only drive my motorcycle. Ok anything for that choc cake"

Just after having his message passed to the cake writer saying "Happy Birthday Mom's" ---- forget somehow about the grammar error; focus more on his subject haha.

I'm sure feeling so blessed to have been seeing this unpopular scenery of people coming in amd out just to bring happiness to some other else's souls. How blessful.

This same view you can see when you go to gift shop and party planner.

Love.

Is sure, everywhere.

You just haven't found it, true, yet.

kopitiam semalam

"From the inner side of kopitiam, I see the table we dated at yesterday, 

as if yesterday could be rewind in more better way;

As if I could laugh more and not being the one to be laughed at. 

Yesterday was just like the two cups of coffee that I had with you; 
too much bitterness yet addictive. 

Too addictive, I came by here again-- today." 

77 years ago; today. 

"Tante tidak cuma jual kopi hangat; yang dia jual sebenarnya adalah suasana. Ironi kerana kopinya tidak mahal dan suasananya bukan pula murah." 

"Pagi itu, kopi hangat pertama kalinya membuat dua manusia saling diam. Entah bagaimana, tapi itu yang terjadi." 

"Pagi itu, tidak banyak yang diperihalkan. Cuma soal dua cangkir kopi dan dua teman gaduh." 

The Barista's good cry

It has been five days in total that the routine has changed entirely; now that I am developing new way of living my life for these upcoming two months.

Let's begin with the idea that I wake up one fine morning and tell myself that "I am not going to waste anymore days doing nothing, I gotta learn something. Anything." And then today, I became this of who I am; the assigned barista.

Anyone who knows me well must know the deep and big fear I had of driving vehicles. I made it so clear that there's nothing I am afraid more deeper than to picture myself involved in accident. You see, that's my another true side of me...; an overthinker. But how proud I am now, that I drive myself to work everyday. Thank you to myself for finally breaking my very own code of fears.

I come home late every night, when all the road is apparently clear with only two or three cars in one row during traffic light's stop. Nothing so joyful in working, except to choose to enjoy every single thing I go through. Even to enjoy the moment of being alone on the road during late night's drive.

From the first step I enter the shop and inserting the punchcard to the most busiest day when coffee orders come in rows and very hard to be handled; I'm glad that I'm learning new things everyday and looking forward for the next cup I'll be making.

"Enjoy the process"

Steaming milk was tough at first, to get the exact degree of 150 and producing fine foam so perfectly is terribly difficult. But I managed.

Serving long black coffee was what I've been hoping for everytime. Because it is usually ordered by an old man who comes alone just to mesmerize their solitude time. I see myself in future to be that old man. Sometimes somehow, the moment of solitude is what making me "myself" all over again. Like now, like this minute.

On some notes, things get so exciting these days. People break trust, words and promises; and yet questioned why they are treated the way they are being treated. I must have been so nice all these time, that now I am distancing myself from those toxics.

They say, love wins all the time. I guess what they are referring to is love to self. That's what most important nowadays, people cheat and we forgive. But how far would we forgive ourselves for keep giving people chances and let them take us for granted? How are we going to justify to our own self after being used so abusively?

And yet, life is indeed a journey and forever my saved journal I'm keeping to myself. That I have reasons, and I will leave anytime as a way of my self respect. So, for once, I'd rather go and be in my own zone; to distance myself from negativity. I'm not feeling sorry to anyone but myself.

And now I'm giving myself a good cry because I am going to concentrate on all the good things in my life. On the people who are entering the cafe. On the stories I'm going to listen. On the culture I'm going to observe.

That's all; a good cry.

To be out of the comfort zone

I must be out of my comfort zone 

Years ago, I was a girl who people around would call as inspiring and motivating. Well, until today they still would call me the same as if they know me well enough. In fact, I would like to claim here that I was a coward and still is; in bringing the best out of me. Tonight, I want to remembered how I could always do more and never get satisfied with what has been done. Instead, there are a lot of adventures to be discovered and to be challenged by my own self. 

Who am I? What have I done? How could I do more? 

Throughout this year's Ramadhan, I must say I've done less than what I was supposed to do and now that I regret every opportunities I missed. 

This is life, I mean the real one I guess. I'd like to project how I miss when the life was super scheduled as when I was in highschool and those times during alevels in mkic. I miss those days that I grab every chance like there wouldn't be tomorrow and a what-if-there-is-no next year's Ramadhan to experience as motivation. 

I am struggling these days, to be honest, to be better and the best I could have been. Time does fly little bit faster than the old times. Dunya is getting older, I am getting lazier; what have I done. 

Life has been tough, not objectively. It's more about struggles to be out of the comfort zone. 

I must be out of the comfort zone. 

Somedays on the Ramadhan, I met the crush. He is in fact more outstanding in real life than as what has been pictured in the social media. Such a generous young man he is, I was in awe when the first time seeing him spoke to us as the participants. It was a debate session, like a tutorial and theory class of what should a speaker highlight while speaking to crowd. Such a beneficial thing i did throughout the day. 

As the class coming to its end, I pondered upon how I'm so lack and never even close to perfection and enough. I shall be remembered to always seek knowledge for that's how I can be more humble and be more knowledgeable to have true truth in a righteous structured way; not just having thoughts freely without a proper framework. 

Thank you, Saadiq.