here we go again

 “Auni, things that are haram will stay haram even everyone is doing it. While halal thing will stay halal even you are the only one doing it” 

To hold to such advice, to remind myself once more that I am not too far away from where I belong and I shall turn back. 

For past few months, I have been trembling myself, losing balance. I’ve started to do things I wasn’t used to. I normalise actions I used to loathe before. I kept saying that it was okay as it just one time thing. And I shall seize this freedom while I had it. This thing I do will not in anyway define who truly am I. Because after all, people will judge anyways. So however and whatever I do, has nothing to do with anyone. It just me. And, no one will know. 

By just writing this post, I feel wronged. Sad. Not knowing if anything is the right thing anymore. But I want to be told, to be reminded… to be judged. So that I know, this way I have been treasuring is totally deceiving me. This life, this Dunya is manipulating me. The same way that this pleasure I enjoy is nothing but a calamity I should in every way stop cherish it.

The temporariness is deceiving me.

Through the end of March, I started to feel that this self isn’t recognisable anymore. I was questioning my worth, my identity; who I was and who is this demon that has been living in this body. 

I wanted to call home. Especially Ma. I wanted to tell her and get reminded one more time that I have her and I have nothing to worry. I have her to protect me from anything. I have her to protect me from myself. 

So often I have been missing her, and each thoughts I had of her would only bring me to more frustration that such her is not longer real. I could not even place a call to home anymore, what more to replay for one last time of her soothing voice. That is nothing but depressing. 

I am depressed, holding this thought that so many real things before are turning to only thoughts and imagination. That, everything is all in your mind. Nothing felt real anymore, only exist in your heart. 

I called Jason. 

I told him that I started to lose myself. I wanted a small talk. 

yet, here we go again.