Dear Mama

Dear Ma, 

I’ll always miss you but there are moments in life when I just miss you a little more than usual. I'll miss you when I'm simply in the store shopping and I see other women shopping with their mothers.  I'll miss you when I can’t remember that recipe you begged me to learn.  

I'll miss you when something great happens and you are the first person I want to call but I know if I tried, it wouldn’t be your voice anymore on the other end. I'll miss you on Mother’s Day when everyone else is celebrating their mothers and all I have is myself. I'll miss you when I've had a bad day and I know that your embrace is the only one that can save me.  

I'll miss you when I meet someone who reminds me of you, that maybe has the same laugh as you, or was just as kind as you. I'll miss you when I am all alone in bed crying myself to sleep because the thought of you being gone still comes as a shock to me every time, Ma. I'll miss you when all I need is your advice one more time. 

I'll miss you when I hear your favorite song.  I'll miss you when I see older women who were lucky enough to live their life that long and I wonder why Ma wasn’t able to.  I'll miss you on the holidays and I'll miss you on your birthday when I realise that another year has passed. I'll miss you when I wonder what you would look like years later.  

Most of anytime, I'll miss you when I go through a horrible heartbreak and know your words are the only ones that could ever help. I'll miss you when I am staring at the beautiful night sky wondering where you are but when I miss you I remember how much you loved me, remember that you never wanted to leave me and there is nothing in this world that you wouldn’t have done to be able to see me live out my life.

that I will always miss you. 

and I don't want to forget. 

Ma, I went to Umra with my dearly friends. Each of them are really noble at heart that the moment I express my intention to go to Mecca was also the moment their intention came to verbal... as they have always wanted this, too. So we planned in going together. At least, I have a bunch of familiar travelling partners accompanying through this whole journey. 

I told to myself, that this journey wasn't just about me. I was coming with you, with your spirit and your initial intention in going on last December... I just made it happen biiznillah. With Allah's will to let me, Ma. 

I saw how my friends' mom called them all the way from home, telling how they have packed and even posted through mail the necessary items to bring during umra, i was of course very jealous. I thought how easier life of a daughter would have been, with the never-ending help from their mother. have I lost someone very valuable, that my upcoming journey was meant to let me just kept comparing of everything I have lost... to which side of the world should i be more positive and ignore the dim light... 

what is left then, for me

I packed my things all by my own, I picked up your telekung and some of your tudungs before I left to Edinburgh the second time, as well as your usual slipper you used to wear. I wanted to share this journey with you, and your umra notebook too... I utilised all of your stuffs like you were as well there, with me.

In your book, you wrote spectacularly nice on every page, like you really guided me through the journey with your very own handwriting. Somehow I felt like it made personally for me. 

Allah really has planned all, for us both. 

This umra was made easy alhamdulillah somehow, because of you Ma. 

I wanted to write and just record everything, so I won't forget; of the feeling and moments. I don't want to forget your kindness, not going to let me feel your kindness only when you are alive. I wanted you to as well help me, though through your absence. and in my umra journey, I had it all... like everyone else.

My mom has helped me, too. I was never alone.