Twenty days in Edinburgh have so far treated me well, in fact it was some of my best days in life. Of course it was, Ma. I have been through a lot to reach this point. We prayed together for this, it wasn't just my dream. It was ours. You wanted to see me happy. You said you wanted to see me getting whatever I want. You said you would be happy if I am happy, your daughter. Now that the time I am enjoying our granted Dua'(s), our most awaited dream we've been talking about for years; you left. Who would have thought the goodbye I waved to you on the last twenty days was the last goodbye ever for us. And all that I was coming home for, is the memory of you. No longer physical presence.
Who would expect with the sudden joy then comes the sudden pain and the rest of story will turn melancholy?
It was the usual morning in Edinburgh, I woke up late but had phone in my hand instead. Read messages through notifications, I saw Kakak's messages and it was you acting not well that day. But you have always been worrisome to me, I know you Ma well enough my heart aches knowing anything could happen. I know your soul hasn't as strong as you were long before you reach 50. All your life you have been energetic, passionate and nothing but a strong mother. It broke my heart every time to see you complaining about your pain, meanwhile I tried to pretend as it just the minor ones. I don't know but I wished to do more than I could. Now, I wished I could do better when I had just all the time in the World when Allah has been delayed my Dua' two years ago.
I took you for granted.
I could do more.
Like a nightmare, I woke up to a day while still living in my dream to the news that you were leaving me.
My one and only Mama is leaving me.
No tears were ever enough to represent my emotion that time, while waiting just for anybody to call me back to confirm the news. I even had chance to pray asking God, wishing everything will just be fine.
Just after that I received a call from Dibby, confirming what is true. So the news was true, something I have never expected is happening today, at this minute. God knows how I never prepared to losing such an attachment to heart as Mama. In fact, she is the Mother. The first ones I saw and the first love I received ever since borned.
For a moment, I wished I wasn't in Edinburgh. I wished home is a walking distance away. I wished I could pause time to see your face and hug your body just for once and for last.
Ma,
Tidak akan lagi Aku bertanya 'kenapa aku'. tetapi untuk apa sebenanrnya aku dipersiapkan? Kekuatan kali ini untuk tujuan apa, Tuhan? Apa yang sedang kau persiapkan buat aku?
Kehadapan Mama,
Ternyata perjalanan adik baru sahaja bermula, Ma. Janggal rasanya, mencintai kamu yang lagi menjauh. Merindui kamu, seperti aku merindui malam yang hilang. Jauh, sunyi dan tanpa tahu kapan mahu bertemu. Seolahnya baru semalam kita bercakap soal rindu antara satu sama lain. Dan hari ini, adik cuma mampu bercakap soal rindu melalui kiriman doa;
satu hala, dan tanpa balasan rindu semula.
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