AY: pre-departure

"Now that, you are really living your dream."

Someone said to me, and I realised shit just got real and in few days to come, I'll be living my dream (for real). But I am not sure as if it is ever what I've always wanted; to have everything into place again and to feel good and whole again. Is that real good one thing to happen? Would that ever be my dream, to have my dream realised into one freaking reality? I don't think, I ever even have thought this could be this far. I am not sure, if I ever ready to wake up and live my dream.

Honestly I didn't feel a thing when I received the recent result. I didn't feel a thing when I sit my IELTS exam weeks ago and even passed it well. Even the day I got my visa handed over to me, I didn't feel a thing. But, I started to feel a thing when everyone has started to give attention. When everyone who has been with me, started to dream my dream and cherished my achievement like theirs. Some just shed tears while instantly say "finally, Auni" (it could both sound sarcastic and melancholic to me personally) but they were also those who never know my story now started to listen more and feel more.

That is just an overwhelming August; at least to me.

I worried for Ma honestly, I worried for this family. There were things happened in a way, some were just too hurtful to bear but I forced myself to only see good and not to think too much. I couldn't think anymore better timing than this one. Allah knows better, and His plans are the best than of all mine.

While in the process of getting to settle everything, Abah is incapable to walk for weeks starting July to this day that he's still recovering. It reminded me of last 4 years when I was about to accept an offer going to Jordan, Abah was there all around. He was the most excited one that he was with me all the way to settle every document but never this time. the moment I broke the news that I was accepting the offer to UK and not Jordan, I could see clearly his disappointment like how he has put extra effort to have best for his daughter but I rejected the offer just like that, without even considering his thought. This time, as I was in this process alone I couldn't stop comparing how less stressful things could be if Abah could be as much as helpful like he was. Not that I am complaining but sometimes I wished I was still that little girl who need to be spoon-fed and be helped all times.

Sometimes, I do think that I gave too many fucks in flying, I gave too many fucks in getting what I want. I was being too demanding and strict for my future me, I want just whatever I want. I forgot meaning, I forgot the purpose of how the dream even exist in the first place. I imagined of too many good things, I forgot the hard and difficult process getting through it.

yet, until life slapped me once. Two years ago; it was like as I was being reminded that at some point of life you gotta get what you need first in order to get what you want.

and girl, you are too young and too dumb to think that all things are that easy. It was not.

And life isn't just about all good things, your dreams and your lively craps that the plan you made is what made you-- YOU. Instead, it's when everything just fall out of place, and you would think as if you just lost the control, and you decide to let God in charge your life while you don't lose the courage to make things right again, that's when life fall into more bigger meanings -- while it making you: the better YOU.

However, let's face the fact I am going to Edinburgh in two days. At least that's my deal for now. But I am not sure of so many things (too), we haven't secured any homes yet, my dissertation is being procrastinated while I am in hard and long think how do I spend entire one year wisely and in full productivity. Seriously, how. and then, come back for good.

But I won't give too many fuck, anymore. I'll just do what it takes, I'll just do whatever that is required. While enjoying each moments, to the best.

At this point, I aspire to get just the best in everything that offer chances.

We'll see.

Let's take a moment, however to address my full gratitude to those who have been with me all around to this point of where I am standing.