The confidence in me

I realized just recently that I lost something I once had: confidence. I don't know where it went, but somehow, it's no longer within me.

My younger self was much more confident. I guess it was because I had more achievements back then. As an adult, I'm struggling more to achieve anything. Life doesn't get any easier. I took on more challenges, sometimes more than I could manage.

It was probably due to overestimating myself and my capabilities or underestimating the challenges I assigned myself.

I miss my old self, to be honest.

I remember a time in high school when I was in a presentation team with Fadhil during Form 4. We picked a topic on Google Glass, which was Fadhil's idea.

He was smart but a presentation freak. I was confident at the time, so I told him I could present.

It was during the early weeks in 4 Darul Khuldi, and I was new to the class. I spoke about the product and how it was still a prototype. There were questions from the English teacher about the product, and I was able to answer without hesitation. That made an impression on the class and Fadhil.

He said there weren't many kids like me in the school. I doubted him but took it as a compliment.

When I was in A-level, I started to lose my confidence. There were many smarter kids in college, from top boarding schools and international schools in Malaysia. Back then, I thought I was nobody. It was so different from high school, where I was probably the smartest, the most confident, and could speak English fluently.

But in college, I realized I was just another student compared to others. I started to get butterflies when asked to present to the class. I felt instantly afraid and shy to raise my hand and ask questions.

There was a particularly bad incident with a kid from Penang in my economics class. He asked a very simple question, one that many knew the answer to. When he raised his hand, some were shocked he even asked it.

On the other hand, I raised my hand, thinking, "What is your question, even?" This caught the attention of an international school kid. After class, he told me I shouldn't disregard others just because I thought their question was too simple.

That was a lesson for me, but it left me embarrassed.

At university, I felt like a small fish in a big pond. Unlike in high school and college, where all my classmates were Malay, the university had a mix of races. While I wasn't racist, I felt shy communicating with them or didn't know how to. I spent three years at university only talking to friends within my circle. I never said hi to others.

I feel wasted now thinking about that. Those should have been the years to brush up my communication skills and become comfortable speaking English.

At the Edinburgh campus during my final year, there were some group assignments where I was placed with foreign students. But again, I never communicated with them other than getting updates over WhatsApp.

In presentations, I didn't perform my best. I only read slides and acted like a typical student.

I never made an impression like I did in high school.

Fast forward to adult life, when I am now working, my company sent us for communication training. I was so nervous. I didn't do my best and screwed up the presentation.

I stuttered a lot and forgot all the good vocabulary. I was so embarrassed.

For real.

I guess that's why I feel so demotivated now. I have no more confidence. I just realized how normal I am.

I'm thinking about enrolling in a Toastmasters class, but I'm too afraid.

But I really have to do something.

So I can be a better me.

InsyaAllah.