The confidence in me

I realized just recently that I lost something I once had: confidence. I don't know where it went, but somehow, it's no longer within me.

My younger self was much more confident. I guess it was because I had more achievements back then. As an adult, I'm struggling more to achieve anything. Life doesn't get any easier. I took on more challenges, sometimes more than I could manage.

It was probably due to overestimating myself and my capabilities or underestimating the challenges I assigned myself.

I miss my old self, to be honest.

I remember a time in high school when I was in a presentation team with Fadhil during Form 4. We picked a topic on Google Glass, which was Fadhil's idea.

He was smart but a presentation freak. I was confident at the time, so I told him I could present.

It was during the early weeks in 4 Darul Khuldi, and I was new to the class. I spoke about the product and how it was still a prototype. There were questions from the English teacher about the product, and I was able to answer without hesitation. That made an impression on the class and Fadhil.

He said there weren't many kids like me in the school. I doubted him but took it as a compliment.

When I was in A-level, I started to lose my confidence. There were many smarter kids in college, from top boarding schools and international schools in Malaysia. Back then, I thought I was nobody. It was so different from high school, where I was probably the smartest, the most confident, and could speak English fluently.

But in college, I realized I was just another student compared to others. I started to get butterflies when asked to present to the class. I felt instantly afraid and shy to raise my hand and ask questions.

There was a particularly bad incident with a kid from Penang in my economics class. He asked a very simple question, one that many knew the answer to. When he raised his hand, some were shocked he even asked it.

On the other hand, I raised my hand, thinking, "What is your question, even?" This caught the attention of an international school kid. After class, he told me I shouldn't disregard others just because I thought their question was too simple.

That was a lesson for me, but it left me embarrassed.

At university, I felt like a small fish in a big pond. Unlike in high school and college, where all my classmates were Malay, the university had a mix of races. While I wasn't racist, I felt shy communicating with them or didn't know how to. I spent three years at university only talking to friends within my circle. I never said hi to others.

I feel wasted now thinking about that. Those should have been the years to brush up my communication skills and become comfortable speaking English.

At the Edinburgh campus during my final year, there were some group assignments where I was placed with foreign students. But again, I never communicated with them other than getting updates over WhatsApp.

In presentations, I didn't perform my best. I only read slides and acted like a typical student.

I never made an impression like I did in high school.

Fast forward to adult life, when I am now working, my company sent us for communication training. I was so nervous. I didn't do my best and screwed up the presentation.

I stuttered a lot and forgot all the good vocabulary. I was so embarrassed.

For real.

I guess that's why I feel so demotivated now. I have no more confidence. I just realized how normal I am.

I'm thinking about enrolling in a Toastmasters class, but I'm too afraid.

But I really have to do something.

So I can be a better me.

InsyaAllah.

To reflect

16th July 2024, a day post-ACCA result. 

I feel devastated, not feeling as much motivated for my work either.

I keep finding a good reason that this life is indeed good, and I shall feel contented.

I am thinking alot about all I have now in life, my priorities, my achievements and my pride.

I have my dear son with me, a responsible husband, a quite stable job, a much deserved paycheck every month, a supportive family and in laws, my good friends who are just one whatsapp away, my car in which I paid in cash, our house that is currently under construction and many other.

Life is indeed good. 

Not many are blessed with even one thing I have. Alhamdulillah money was never a problem since day one I turned into an adult.

I did miss my mom sometimes. But I assure myself she is now in a better place. 

My career growth, eventhough is not as flourishing as my other uni friends, but I am so grateful it comes in a good package with the work life balance, a handsome pay and an opportunity to grow. That is enough I guess, unless I want to be more ambitious. For now, it is sufficient for our little family.

Idris is growing up very rapidly now. I pray hard that he is healthy both mentally and physically. Deep inside me I do have a fear if his epilepsy would affect his development growth. 

I keep track of all his supposed milestones. There are some minor redflags but I think it could also be my overworries. 

I want to be better in life. In a sense, I would my life to be more organised. I would like to pick up a good habit, be a good rolemodel to my dear son, be a loving wife to my husband, be a good cook, an efficient worker and a good muslim too. 

I shall prioritize my deeds too, repair my rituals to Allah, read Quran so I could learn to be more humble, solat on time so my life would be more disciplines.

Pray that I could strive to be better.

ACCA is a journey, I would come again stronger and with better preparation. InsyaAllah.

Fix you - Coldplay

 When you tried your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need.

ACCA doesn't get any easier, and I keep failing. There were no progress since the first passed paper. I have another 6 years before all the passed papers and exemptions get wasted. 

I had several failed attempts for SBR hence I decided to take a pause and move on to the next paper and so I took AAA. It was an enjoyable paper, I like the learning process unlike SBR. I thought I have given my level best, I am pretty sure I did.

But well, I did not pass. 

The email received in the early morning. I haven't woke up from bed honestly, as much as I prepared to receive just any results, I still feel impacted. ACCA should really re-phrase their email and try to put 'pass/fail' word on the bottom of the email, at least let me open the email first. The word just popped up and can be read obviously in the notification box. It was rude if not unthoughtful.

I accepted whatever result with an open heart, but I did hurt me abit.

The most painful part is I had an expectation but it failed me every time. That's what hurts the most.

What is next, really. 

I have spent alot in this, if you call it an investment then I am in a bad bad situation right now. It consumed more than benefitted me in any way. I spent money, my annual leaves all for this exam to receive nothing in return. 

I need to recover from this. Either to continue, to take a break, or to quit for all.

I will think. 

Now I would like to refresh, reset my goal and be better in some other areas in life.. so I could feel good about myself. 

Again. 

Till then.