I am fine, thank you

I had... super great time watching Love, Supermoon and How to be single; as if the movie speaks for me. When I say 'super great time' I actually don't get easily bored watching it for several times... (in a week) as if that still sounds normal. Yes several times in the same week. Normal. I wish it is.

Apart from simply doing same things repeatedly just because I want to feel the particular feeling again and again, I made myself doing random things randomly. The latter random word indicates the timing, fyi.

I went for hiking.

Without proper plans, because I tend to forget dates these days I don't know why. It was like as I've turned myself to be this "yes girl" to any "jom?", not to mention the tomorrow girl to "i don't give a fuck to timing anymore"- kind of person.

"Jom?"

"Alright, sure."

Because, why not.

My record was a hill. But this time, I climbed a mountain. No training has been done from any past weeks, another fyi. But I did it, anyway.

And because it was random, I forgot to tell Ma until I actually have reached the peak. A good daughter has shouldn't done that, I know. (God bless as all the way of the mountain got the 3G line)

While climbing the mountain, there was an accident. A long hard six hours of climbing up was then accompanied by another six hours of coming down under heavy rains. We didn't expect for this, of course. I was... feeling terrified to be honest, because anything could happen. It happened to be one of  the guys in our group unintentionally has lost his footstep over slippery grounds, and got his face injured.

I don't know but this mountain has given me a bunch of lessons. I could be the one who injured, and if that ever happened to me I couldn't feel sorry enough to not first calling Ma for permission. In these past few weeks I've enjoyed being on my own, by simply just go anywhere where my heart asks to,  driving fast long roads accompanied by the voice of just waze and not human being, or might just having lunch or cafe hopping alone until yet I got myself regret because I forgot to withdraw some cash and the cafe I went couldn't  accept debit payment. I know, being alone is fine...

Totally fine, I think I just gonna do everything alone. I thought I don't need anymore connections or ties bound for any emotional commitment. I thought I've done with it, all just because I've got hurt by those ungrateful souls. I thought I was just going to take revenge over myself. But I was wrong.

Being alone is fine, but it doesn't feel right.

As much as I thought being alone is amazing and full of energy; I forgot I've always need others. At times when I was running out of water and my energy has about to go down zero; there was a soul who is so kind-hearted offering me his water just because I looked pale. It was so kind of him that the water he gave was actually the last bottle he had; and we kinda have like hundred miles to go.
Allah bless him.

The whole process of climbing... was a torture I made myself doing. I regret secretly, I regret my last minute 'yes, I'll be joining', I regret not telling Ma, I regret not bringing proper food and enough water, and most of all I regret of not having all these regrets in the first place.

Because, I profoundly enjoyed these regrets as it's the better thing to feel.

Than.. nothing at all.

I'm seeking (read: wandering) for better. Because I had worse, or gained nothing at all. So to have something though in a form of lesson; I feel blessed.

I'm having some connections and ties I need to always care. They are those we call family and friends; might have sounded cliche but I think I've been underestimated the value of those two groups of life support system.

Today, I cried for something I wished I could have it better. But I use it anyway in a way I have it as it is, and then I stopped crying coz at least I have 'something'. Today, I felt too much hatred for someone inside myself that I wished I've never met them. But I went out instead, meeting someone I love all the way to ask them "how are you?"-  and then bought them flowers.

How are you?

i am fine, thank you.