"You are now a young
woman"
That was what people would say
when a girl, reaching her puberty and she can no longer act freely as what she
can. Because, people will talk. People will judge. And there are names she
needs to maintain so that the dignity is well protected and honoured. That's
the idea. More of a reality, to be sure.
Girls must be well-behaved.
Cannot go out too often. Should be back home before night. Must tell who she's
going out with, by 'telling' it should be understood that it must be prepared
with details; is there any boys, what their names are, is it a normal friends
or what. At least that's how I've been heard from my girl friends that there
are some girls actually grow up with curfews.
But neither on me.
Ma and Bah have this hidden or
should I call mysterious power that even though they didn't state any curfews,
I just know I should not disgrace them. I must, like any other girls, be
well-behaved. Because after all, I am a young woman. And young women must know
how to take good care of herself. I must know somehow, there are limits; though
it has never been mentioned by neither Bah nor Ma, I just know. Maybe it's just
the common sense I've been living up with.
Common sense.
That's the thing. For one issue
to be sensed 'common', it must be talked timely; yet until everyone gets the
idea. In this case, it's the society or maybe it just our world we are living
in that keep projecting the idea-- girls must behave well and classy.
I have such a limitless freedom
and a golden trust from both of my parents, that even when I was in highschool
I was the one who has been putting limit on myself. I hid my gadgets because I
aware of the need to get myself focused on my studies as big exam is coming. I
made myself pulling off the simcard and put somewhere hideous as if I will
going to have aftermath memory lost and get to be forgotten where did I put. It
was a struggle back then, living in such freedom and trust my parents gave me.
Trust me, there were more curfews I myself created like a boundary so that I
must not crossed over.
There are some of my friends who
kept rebelling over the same issue but with their parents acting strict on
them, exactly like how I'm being strict to myself.
I've always thought that Bah and
Ma must have been "of course, she knew already. she's grown up
now."
And me "of course bah and ma
don't have the need to tell, they know i know"
Sometimes somehow, I just hoped
that Ma and Bah could be more strict like other parents do. But most of the
times, I feel thankful enough as how I have been treated, because from there I
got to feel threatened with challenge and struggle, eventually I'd learn by
myself. Maybe that's the parents' love that I don't really understand how, that
actually they know myself better. Even better than my youth self.
I consider that as a 'skill' of
parenthood that my parents nailed in order to grow me up.
Same goes to hijab. To be honest,
I can't recall any of younger days when Ma handed me tudung and asked me to
wear it. I just know when seeing my neighbourhood friends who happened to be my
childhood bestfriend who would wear tudung whenever we go out together to Pasar
Malam. She didn't tell anything either, maybe that's just how her action really
influenced myself. And somehow that younger me finally then found out more and
more ironies in her wearing hijab, after Ma sending me for Kelas Mengaji and
islamic school afterwards. Bah and Ma are just smart I guess, for sending me to
islamic kindergarden, islamic school up until my highschool ends. From there, I
can say, education really has answered all my questions that the younger me has
then nothing to doubt with.
I grew up receiving everything
they taught me, without any objections.
Now, to think wiser, I'm in the
phase that growing up more older gets me into more and more questions that the
younger me must had not look deeper into. Or maybe, she wasn't curious enough
to ask. For that's why I read, so that my older me won't regret my younger me
to not have the courage to seek answer in the form of knowledge and belief.
Human's traits, to live is to believe in something; which I rather call
"perspective"-- or anything you may prefer to call.
I have names that I look up to,
basically my women crush and men crush to be idolized. Like an inspiration. In
this year, I went meeting them one by one; by courage. I managed to meet the
young and good potential Syed Saadiq and attended his debate class. I met the
intellectual Redza Minhat and managed to book a seat in his conference on women
empowerment subject. I learnt alot from both. If I could claim that as an
achievement in meeting people I adore, I would.
I can drive a car now.
I can go buying my things without
asking any boys in the family to send me.
I can go attending any of talks
or conferences without first worrying who I will burden to.
I can go eating alone, because
that's no abnormality in that.
I can go out with anyone, because
I'm privileged with friends.
But in the same time, I can also
cry just before I start again
I can complain over thing that
goes wrong so that I feel relief
I can choose, anything to wear,
anything to say, anything to do
All just because I have choices
and reasons to stand
And one of life's priority is to
maximise my options.
Life is in fact, a combination of
what I chose.
here's me turning 21; praises to
God for showering His continuous blessings throughout my years
This is 2017, I've turned 21.
And I'm moving forward.
Who will love you?
I will love myself.
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