I talked to Dean the other day, it felt awkward. Like there is a barrier now, compared to the past days. Of course, it has been 5 years since the last time we are closed to each other.
It was fine at the early part of the conversation, but some of his questions did sound triggering. For no real reason.
Like if I am happy being a full time housewife now. In which, it is not the case. I felt like he was trying to pry me being a typical woman that would give up her career after having a child. I might sound exaggerating, but it is. His question probably genuine, but I heard it savage.
But I could not bother much, I wanted to actually talk to him. Like we are on a trip to the past via a time machine. I wanted to find comfort in talking to people I used to close with or know my mother if that makes sense. Like the one we had when we were waiting for the train to KL Sentral after a breakfast at Chong Kok. What year was that, I could not recall.
There were a lot of things I want to catch up on, too. Like if you are seeing anyone now. How are your parents? Are you proud of yourself? Do you have any worries? How do you overcome anxiety? Are you not anxious for no real reason? Has life treated you good?
But I guess, the attempt is failed, failed terribly.
He sounds successful now, he even uttered the word as everything is starting to fall into place at his end. Which if it's true, I should be happy for him, like truly. At least in the past, he made me think I inspired him to be where he is now. I did not take any pride of it, but I was glad that was the case the last time.
But well, life happens. Things change. I could not expect anyone to talk to me like how we used to, I could not resist change. We went through a growth, a life journey, and our mindset change.
I chose to still treat this conversation as something I should grateful for. Like at least I finally came to peace with some people. Hopefully when I die later, I would hope I would be remembered as the one that inspires, the one that tries to make peace even some of my actions show otherwise.
Thanks, Dean. For replying nicely.
I am truly happy that things finally work for you in life. That you get to own something. That you feel content. And very much, would make your mom proud.
Probably this is the last time I say hello to you. For I hope the urge to a random trip like this wouldn't happen again.
Goodbye.