First Missing Page

 Amongst the missing pages are the periods after Edinburgh days. Mama left in September 2018. Exactly twenty-five days after I came to Edinburgh. Since then, putting myself into words were no longer easy. 

I did not write the last time because of Mama.

But, I do tried in looking for an answer of course. Probably, life was different then. Narrating each days sometimes scare me. Like the post I made before I left to UK. I did not only write happy stories, I write all kinds. In there when I read again, I find my emotions, thoughts even worries I had during the time. Sometimes it was so vivid that reading it again and to know some have made into reality, was devastating. 

It is now 2023, years have passed.

I have finished my study in April 2019. Attended my graduation by myself. It was a special day, but I had a regret it was not joined by any of my family members. Not one. Afiq told months before that, that he would come but it all depends if he had enough money. I was so hopeful someone would come by, I took his intention to heart hoping he would make it. 

But I understand as well, it was not cheap.

Only weeks before the graduation, Afiq called again saying he probably couldn't come. Works came in between, and so I accepted that probably I would really be going by myself. And, that was okay I guess. 

I mean, it was just another day right. A celebration for my graduation that was formally set. The most important thing was the support system that have been by myself all along, all the congratulations that swarmed my message inbox, the prayers by those who really truly wanted the best for me and the silent good wishes some just did not speak upfront but they did pray I would succeed in things I do. 

To me, that was enough.

And Mama, the only person I wish could come and see me the last time. Her final hug that I would long for the rest of my life. I knew she'd be happy if she was there that day. 

Dibby came two months before, we travelled together along with Kak Una. It was the first time I had a long holiday after Mama left, and with my own family. 

I swallowed that as part of my story, my graduation story. 

That my Hari Jubah was both contented and lonely in the same time.

I was with H that day, we spent a lot of time during the month. Just so he was okay to accompany me during the graduation day. I did not know how, but he was there. 

I remember waking up that morning, steamed my Baju Kurung that Kak Una brought for me when she came, the Baju Kurung was picked and sent to tailor by Kak Bety. She took over Mama's job that time assuring me that I should wear a nice and new clothes to wear on the day. It was Thai Silk in grey, plain and simple. 

I wore it with Pearl necklace I picked from M&S.

And, a blue heels I bought from Next during sales. 

I wore Mama's ring, just to feel her presence that she was there with me on the day.

Called an Uber, and so I went with H. When I arrived, I saw a lot of graduates have come. I went straight to collect my robe. The person in charge assisted me in wearing.

I found the other friends after that, I saw Farz, Ayie, Sara, Wan D and Yana. 

H was nowhere to be found after that. 

We all went to the hall. And had our seats in a row. I sat beside Ayie, and the rest were either in the same or back row. There were some choirs orchestrated during the opening ceremony. 

I checked the goodie bag, and immediately look for my name in the The Scottish Newspapers, where they would list all graduates name of the year in there by tradition.

 I saw my name. 

Auni Najihah Mohd Yazid - MA (Hons) in Accounting and Business Finance

I did not know how I got here. But alhamdulillah it all came to an end. 

Or probably this was just the beginning. 

After we settled with the ceremony. I saw H waiting in the cafeteria. We had some after party celebration in the university's cafe. H came bring me flowers. That was so sweet of him, though I think he purchased it out of a nice gesture. Because after all, he wasn't that sweet and gentle guy.

We took some photos. Actually, a lot. 

Had lunch with Sara's family afterwards. And off we went back to Clermiston.

It was a good day. 

Day to remember. 

To more missing pages to be found.