Feminism through my eyes

a collection of thoughts from #thiswomancan 

When I was still in primary school, I found it to be something really strange or I suppose rare to see the 'ketua kelas' to be female instead, of male. But I was being fine most of the time, because we all believed she's the best to lead after all. It has been like that, the culture or the standard way that ketua kelas would be a boy, followed by the penolong ketua kelas to be a girl, at least in my circle of society. Up until to my highschool times, when it comes to Mesyuarat Agong Persatuan, the club teacher will typically first briefed us like this 

"so now it's the time to choose our club president, if possible, it should be a guy." 

 No one ever said anything, nor that anyone against it. Maybe I was being too shallow to ever seen it as an issue. In fact, we were all glad that the best guy is chosen to be the president, with some good qualifications he held, we believed he is capable and the best suitor for the position, because after all it's the martial art club we are talking about now.

So as long as the best is picked up, what else is the deal? Women can lead as much as men can....as long as it's the best suitor for the position among all. 

At home, Ma never said anything about who's gonna do this and do that, when it comes to life chores. Never did she asked Afiq to do the 'buang sampah' part, just because he's stronger as the son to pick up the loads than me the daughter. But well, I would just pass the task to him because I'm too lazy to go out. 

But I'll take care another part still, as the way to complement. I help Ma with cooking, instead. 

In education, Ma and Bah are fair enough. Never did they say I can't pursue engineering just because I am a girl. And Dibby being an engineer was all by his own choices and will, not because he is male. After all, I am now pursuing accounting all because I chose that path of education. All by myself and my will, to do that. Followed by that, it comes with everyone's support in the family.

For all of this treatment I got throughout my life, I can say I'm privileged enough. To not being oppressed against my gender, or because I am just a daughter. Nor that I am more needed in the kitchen, rather than helping Bah with his tools of hammer and nails. 

The same in relationship, I don't feel familiar with the double standard; guys should always text first. Guys should be the one who making plans on date. Girls cannot be too easy. I see those as a mess that eventually lessen my value as a human being. Anyone can do anything as their will. No one can judge. 

Venusians can also be as complicated as the martians. It's fine for boys to cry. It's okay for girls to plan dates. If everyone has the capacity to do things at their will, without the judgement of others, don't you think this world can be a better place? 

But I've seen enough as well. I acknowledged how at the times of Taliban era in Afghanistan women were being oppressed, just because they are women. They've been denied their privilege in education, their chance to enrol in nation politics and what not. In some parts of the world, this was a big issue and yet still is. But the issue gets improvised from time to time particularly in which context to be looked from. Millennials women are now more powerful and privileged (in terms of education, politic involvement etc) than the old times, that's how we know. But the struggle and dilemma they face throughout their days might still be the same. It's like an opportunity cost they need to bear in having to satisfy society's expectation of her being a good homemaker or in her pursuing their ultimate dream to achieve the best in their career. 

So that's how the initiative of women empowerment comes in, to make decision. How are we going to take an action in achieving 'equality'; which should be pondered more upon its definition. 

2 plus 2 is typically answered with 4. 

They say "two plus two is equal to four" 

Never had I heard "two plus two is the similar as four" 

Two plus two is in fact an equation. And four is the value we get thus, isn't similar. 

However, in another saying, "two plus two is equal to one plus three" 

Or (( 2 + 2 = 1 + 3 = 4 ))

Now you see what's similar, yes it's the value. 

And that's the real feminism and true idea of women empowerment, to reach equality over the same value. Of both men and women. 

And yet people, life has always been about choices. You can choose how you believe and act upon it. While mine is to believe I'm a woman and is strong enough to do my things independently by my own. However we complement, with men, women get better eventually. 

@ Projek Wanita Malaysia Summit 2017 

on that day I met Morello guy

I was tired back then, kept positioning my body for sleep but the eyes just couldn't doze off. Like something wasn't settled, so I picked up my phone from somewhere under pillow to (you know) doing some 'research' on twitter. Rt this. Rt that. Until I stumbled upon one tweet that a 'free' event will be held, and the morello guy will be coming; any better deal? I must go, I said to myself.

But it is in kl. 

And I'm newbie in driving, the farthest I go was somewhere in Shah Alam. I did some waze and google, well 40mins away without jam distraction to be estimated. Do I have the courage? Yes. 

Do I have time? Well, not really, but I can manage.  

It's free, though. 

So, I signed up for a ticket. 

Leaving my part-time job commitment behind, off I go, the next morning. 

Projek Wanita Malaysia Summit 2017. 

That is as what being told from the banner. I imagined, there must be a large crowd of young feminist to come. Where do I fit among those strangers. Do I know enough, to be among those feminists? 

There were some workshops, all that I already know about. But one thing I didn't know was that, there are options. One gotta choose one, because all will be held in the same time. 

My first question to the receptionist was that, 

"Alright, so which workshop that will have Redza Minhat to be in? I'm going for that." 

Pardon my 'fangirling' part, I just couldn't help it. 

So happened to be, there were none. No workshop with the morello guy, unless the after lunch session. Well, that's fine. I think I'll just go with things I know about, and things I want to know more about. 

Cancer. Erm, meh. 

Early Childhood. Boring.

Bias Busting. What's that, again. 

Soft skills. Okay, sounds better. 

Education. Aha, i think i fit this one. 

Got my nametag and sticker with me, I went to the mezzanine floor, for breakfast, as what being told. 

I've been to this kind of place, I whispered in mind. The same familiar feeling I got when my parents sent me for cuti-sekolah camp while I was kid. The same environment as when I joined pre-departure camp a year ago, the same I had, when I joined Debathink a month ago. 

This is the ocean of strangers, I've been to this one before. More and more of me having it, I can say it's kinda addictive. 

I know, today gonna be great. 

I picked some refreshments, and then wandered around to find a nice table so that I can fit somewhere, the sooner the better. 

And then, I met Angel; 25 years old chinese girl working at Cimb bank.

And then Sara and her friend Shazz; both are working colleague to one another.

And then Anitha, is working somewhere at Jabatan Kebajikan after leaving her job in banking sector. 

And then, Fara, a financial planner the same way as what Dibby is doing. 

Iman, the girl studying in US doing microbiology. 

And some more, a girl who has just graduated from Jordan University and is waiting for gov call her to serve the nation in dentistry.

And the list goes on, and on. 

Until names and ages don't matter at all, but the story they tell us. The experience, they share. What not most important, their perspective. Their way of thinking and seeing things. 

I smiled this whole day. I was wrong, the crowd coming isn't too much in numbers. But sufficient enough to recognise faces and to be the focused audience. The positive vibes are too strong, I felt like home. You see, you came into a table and one started talking an issue, the others nodding and sometimes interrupting, while sharing. Without first had chances to ask names, and 'where are u come from', 'what are u doing in life'. 

I don't know, I just think that I came into the right place. Talking to the right people. For awhile, I almost forgot where did I come from, all my life commitments that sometimes giving me headache. 

For awhile, we all pondered upon so many things. But in such mannered and diversified way. You name it, we talked about politics at work, our strengths and weaknesses, how do we deal with problems, how do we heal from routine and brokenness, how do we motivate ourselves, the system, this real issue of feminism, the sucks patriarchy system, how equal is never the same to similar and so much more. 

And then as promised, morello guy did come. Unlike any other vvips, he got his aura too strong that he came on time. He wore pink shirt accompanied with dark blue suits; such a fine taste in garments he got there. Not to mention, a red rose pin on his left side of the suit. What kind of a persona this man is, sitting not more that ten metres away from me also can make my heart flatters. You see, he's more fairer in real life. By fair, I mean brighter as seen on the television. Or is it just me? 

I'll be writing more on #thiswomancan, without the distraction of this fangirling over morello guy. But that's considered a package, right? Intentionally coming all the way to KL for morello, and all the other positive things then followed me. 

That's why I've been telling you people, he is, such an aura. 

Ok ok, I'll stop. Till later, soon. 

Here's an update

I pass through buildings, streets, houses and elevators; while mesmerizing the moments I once had. 

For days, it went through like that. Like routine. 

And in most probable consequences, routine leads to boredom. In the end, one thing you are going to nag about is that "I'm tired. I need a break. A hiatus. Before I start again." 

At least, that summarises my life now. A working girl. Not a big career one, more of having things to juggle everyday. Having to follow someone's directions, and give best every time. The best in a way I shall start to call it 'passion'. Passion makes my thing easier, at least I know I'm doing something I love. And for that, I enjoy. Apart from the routine I'm keeping, I'm blessed to be surrounded with such unique people at the place I work at.

RajKumar is my bossy colleague. He's from Nepal but got the face of typical handsome Pakistani since he's quite fair-skinned and somewhat, nice looking. Since the first day I enrolled as the barista, he kept giving me things to-do. Of course, at first, I took that positively as instructions. But after weeks, he still keeps telling me what to do, until I got very cringed. He treats me as if I haven't learn anything since the day one. I was hoping he could let me just do my things, and get me to be more independent. It went weeks like this 

"Auni, have you prepared this one?"

"Why didn't you change this one?"

"It's 10 already, you can start do the calculating."

"Why didn't you clean this up?" 

"This, auni."

"That one, done?"

Until one day, I got myself into argument with him. I told him how I wasn't like to be over instructed, and I know my work quite well. I even sarcastically complaint how he's too nerdy and strict. I told him how he should sometimes praise me over good works I've done instead not continuously complain over things I do bad, I was technically "teach" him. Well, the argument turned out quite well. He listens and I sense he starts to make change in the way he treats me, which is good. 

Till after some days from the day we argued, I learnt from another colleague that he's actually our supervisor. The most trusted person of the most big boss. Lol  what did I say to him again?

But that's also the thing I learnt from most of foreign workers who come here to work, they are very obedient and dedicated to their work. They take complaints and critics very seriously, that they improvise over time. In fact, I must claim that they got the eyes of an optimist and the soul of a realist. Which what I adore most. 

Krishna on the other hand, is a helpful colleague. At times when RajKumar putting me into such hard times, Krishna will come helping me like a rescue. I also learnt on how he's full of courtesy, by that he never forgot to say "thank you" every time I pay him back with the help I offer, like his natural habit to say thank you even for one little tiniest of kindness. Though, it just actually my "the kindness you gave, and the kindness I return back". 

They don't speak malay, most of the time. The only words they know is "terima kasih" and "datang lagi". Though both of the words they know have got them confused sometimes with the translation of "welcome" in english. 

There was a time when a customer come into the shop and they 'welcome' them with "terima kasih" 

"datang lagi" 

Lol. 

The tale actually continues

A continuation of this previous post.

The girl, Orked, has been a melancholic people. She gives in too much to life, and often, self-pity. Surrendering herself to "sometimes, things just won't work out"; and like some Afghanistan movies that often says Zendagi migzara, means, life goes on. She has accepted the fact, that for some reasons, Jason, the guy, the stranger she has been fascinated about, has to be stayed as stranger, she means, just another stranger; another guy who comes in and out through the cafe. Accept this one into the mind that this not a typical tale, for tale must be finished with happy ending. This is; her version of Zendagi migzara.

Orked's life goes on. 

The unfinished tale is terribly unfinished, for Orked has left the spot of her standing initially, by not saying anything. You see, Orked is a kind of human-being that full with words, words are like her public weapon. She cries and bleeds for words. And now that her story with Jason are nothing like such, but the untold spoken words. Isn't it melancholic? 

Did Jason say anything so hurtful that a girl like Orked could turn shut down entirely? Did Jason actually say something? Or nothing at all. 

Was Jason, ever be Orked's cup of tea? 

Maybe yes, maybe no. But that's also something about this miracle we called love. It justifies almost all. Now that this story has got to be so intricate to tell, love sure has faded away. Nothing close to happy ending, yet unfinished. 

Unfinished, unsent spoken words, are all so terrible to be read. This tale is the worst to be in anyone's draft. Yes, draft is what it meant to be. The stranger she spoke that day at the cafe, was just a draft. Something as broken as 'almost', something so near yet so far. She had things to say, alot. So then she wrote a letter; typically to Jason in no one. This, the letter she spent days on writing also, has been unsent. Now that this unfinished tale might just be finished in way this letter remained with her, being read to no one. This tale (actually) continues... 

If i were to leave us the last time, and if ever that leaving was a real successful one, thus this one letter should have never been in your hand by now.  However, I've always believed even one little thing does happen for a reason. And the most real is that, this is written for you on your birthday for the reason it's still you that was in my mind all this while. 

Jason, 

I like the name. It suits you well, somehow. The egoist Jason, the most busy Jason, the ignorant Jason but in the same soul; is the loving Jason, the mature Jason, the wise Jason and in fact the most unique 'you'; well, saying good about your name is no different like I am complimenting all of every of your brothers coz all of you share the same name of; Jason. 

But you just are, my most amazing Jason. 

Your definite wish on my college's yearbook is one thing I couldn't erase. Even if I could, it would just stay there, because after all it's you who came at the end of the last page of my college days. How irony it would be, to think, that you've never been there in the first starting point and even my journey along it, and how could you now be that one important character since then? How have you came. And if I may ask, who are you, and how did you do. 

You see, in one year, you've became so many characters in my mind. It was you who made me fall, was the same you that turned me crazy, mad, uncontrollable, and balanced all in the same time. You took with you all the characters; both protagonist and antagonist. It's you I would call the knight in shining armour was the same you that makes me think you might be an asshole, fuckboy or just a plain basic guy until one moment I deeply was in question of "who. is. this. boy. really."

You really made me think more than once. 

You see, we came from a different path of life. My name has never crossed in your mind, the same way that your name has never been something I used to mention through my lip. In fact, we never realised each other's existence before. But now, it's you that in my mind all day long; how irony this thing actually is. You've known my name, but never my story, my struggle, and what I've been up to in life all this while. Same applied on me, to you. Would I know you..... somedays... somehow. 

Thus, you are the guy I must be called as stranger. You were a stranger. But a stranger is not the usual stranger. But the classmate of two years from school that I've known him just by names, but never by characters and his true persona. 

When I call you a blessing, I didn't mean something extra magical. I were to describe you as something sophisticated but came in a very simple yet natural way. Well, I must say that nothing is so magical for us. I guess that's how I chose you, because you made me at ease. You made me think that it is possible somehow, if not impossible to believe all over again. 

We've been through a lot in life so far, without each other; without the caring from one another before. We had our own storyline, you had yours while I had mine. We were both too busy chasing for our own dreams until one time at the very pause point of my life and probably you too, we met. It takes two to tango, but I guess you dropped hint at the right moment and I was being too smart to have that to be detected and analysed. In fact, I rather called myself a fool who rushed in. 

Two different countries, two different background studies, and two different journeys; are just matter of distance and places. Like a dust, those are minor distractions for us, aren't they? 

I'd like to quote one of my favourite Indonesian quote that says "adalah cinta yang mengubah jalannya waktu, karena cinta waktu terbagi dua" 

You leaving for good for another country is the sweet and sour plot of our story. For such an independent lover like me, that's just bonus for this talent I got here. I know we could survive long distance as just piece of cake. It just that, communication could be terribly limited and commitment to relationship isn't a thang to boy like you. Lol let's be real, venusians just aren't good multitasker, are they? So for that, I truly understand. 

But let us see, let us see how far this conscience would go. How far. How far. 

If you were to date me, you would date a smart girl, a girl who has plans for everything in her life, a girl who thinks in advance before the event even exists, a girl who overthinks all everything because it is the only way to make her getting rid of her insecurities and killing doubts. If you were to date me, you would date a girl that is in fact a combination of everything so deep, and you asking me "chill chill" was in fact out of my capacity. But, Jason. I don't want you to just date me, I don't want you to typically date me. Or have you the access to call me "girlfriend" in front of our friends; in fact we are not dating each other, do we? I want us to be something more meaningful and extra sentimental; more like a partner to one another. A best friend who never had chances to be friend-zoned; but be loved and cared. 

If I can bring you an analogy, let us be the stars to each other. Like stars, they are not always seen, but forever are there. 

When making a decision to be 'us' instead of you and me; let's talk real. This is a business deal. And our definite waiting isn't just a merely waiting game. It is, in fact, a deal. It comes with condition and if this was to be successful, it could benefit both of us; only if love (still) is what that tied us as one. When I say love, it has always been a deep feeling. Whatever you define love, let's be fair to one another and be transparent if ever things don't go as the way we expected. Make it like a business deal, disclose everything that could effect any of our sane mind. 

Until we are ready and good to go, promise that you'd tell if ever things fucked up somewhere. Because after all, you are dealing with a smart girl. And nothing is more genuine than me trusting you, to be fair enough handling this matter. 

In a way, you must know that you are the subject in my study. You are the lion; the king of the jungle. I may not know you, but I acknowledge your nature. In fact like how you always say "kau pun tau aku macam mana..." , though every time I was in madness in fucking countering your statement inside my head like "dehel how do i fvcking know?!". Like a book, I want to keep this courage, to read you, to study you; so lend me chances to be your reader. I don't want to just adore your name, but your soul as well. 

Now, stay with the stand you built for yourself. Be in your rhythm. Be in love in the way you are good with. Be comfortable. This ain't easy but darling, rome wasn't built in a day. 

Where are we going? Are we going somewhere? 

That's you (and me) to figure out. . So as long as things are balanced and clear, get moved. Let us go together hand by hand, side by side, supporting each other using our own way. 

Happy birthday 21-years-old-- Jason. You've been great and always are. 

Love, Orked. 

A girl with her unfinished tale

One fine morning, after so long, hard and broken mornings of her, a girl finally found of what is called as good cup of tea. By good it doesn't necessarily have to tick all the perfect tea criterias' boxes, well just by having one that "suffices" can always be sufficient for 'one fine morning'. That was all in the girl's thinking; to have just 'fine'. Because, after all, perfect is almost too impossible to have. So then she has accepted, the fact that, after so many hard and broken mornings, that day's morning was fine, in fact, perfect; in her very own definition.

On that fine morning, everything wasn't that perfect to be honest, but just in place she must have stated first. 

Everything just in place, as to what the girl has in mind. She had her cup of tea in her hand as usual, at one rare but familiar cafe, under just fine weather, and being surrounded by strangers. Well, being surrounded by house full of strangers has always been something that the girl would fascinate about. Sometimes, just sometimes, she loves strangers more than she loves those souls that she has bleed and cried for. Isn't it strange, somehow? To love a stranger? A soul you haven't yet discovered?

But there's an irony in loving and falling in love with strangers, because that's when all would look like an open book; something so interesting and fascinating. To non-judgementalist, strangers are always fine human being. To readers, strangers are like a new book that full with new tales and stories to be discovered; something so dearly like having a new toy to a gamer. And yet to her, strangers all above that has been mentioned. 

Everything about strangers just so new, fresh, and strong. 

But it doesn't stop there, good and fresh new thing won't last. They get heard and discovered, and then all those excitements finally would turn into either two options, to be her favourite or the other way around; to be the cup of tea, or the other way around; that her just another cups of tea. With nothing to be fascinated about. With nothing to be bragged about. Too plain with nothing so fancy to tell. But one good thing about her loving strangers, is that, she knows well. 

She knows well, when the heart digress. She knows well, when the heart clicks. She knows well, on who to talk, and what to talk. She knows well enough, for us to say, she knows well.

On that fine morning, like all the readers of this tale would expect, she talked to one stranger. In this plot, still, it has nothing to be fascinated about. Just an ordinary event with no touch of anything so mysterious and melancholics, but just fine meeting for a soul that has always been two things; mysterious and melancholics. Just like her. 

But let's move on to something idealistic, like the stranger she met. A guy, the stranger is a guy. The tallest one in height, as you may judge from appearence. Well, girls are something like this to be exact; generally they don't go much for outer aspects. They would be fascinated more to give points on gentlemen aspects. Now, this quite interesting, gentlemen gestures always are so lame, ordinary and expected. But that's how points are given. At least, by her; this character I'm projecting about. 

How easy. 

Yes, how easy to be the guy. And how easy to please the girl. 

Or maybe, fate just made things easy for them. 

Or, in the most probable events, they just take love things so easily that they claim it is. 

If not any, then what is? What are they? And how did they do it? 

Because by conversations after conversations, the stranger is then no longer a stranger but a friend. A perfect friend to talk, a perfect friend to chill over something serious, more specific, just fine to be her cup of tea, she said. Idealistic has then became something as magical as realistic. 

The reality was, there's love between them. And they know it.

Now, this is quite troublesome to tell, for her to think that meeting a stranger is the sweetest (read: scariest). Because you never know. She never knew either, of what is sweet and what is scary. Of what is being loved, and what is being left. What is having too much things to say, and then nothing at all? 

For love, she has lost of her 'knowing well'. 

What is, now? 

Remember when she tells, that strangers were like books 

And then she doesn't go for good and looks

In fact, she was looking for something more magical and more mysterious

Well, she must have known now 

That the stranger she met that day wasn't even a book 

In fact, was just some wrong pages

Of her in reaching her grown ups

And her fine morning isn't fine at all. even, fine was never enough 

At least for her

For this is her unfinished tale 

For more to be discovered, so that she can tell..

Fuck this tale. It ain't worth your time, I know. 

I will just leave it here. 

Haha