growing up (by twenty)

Sunny yet satisfying. This day reminds me of how calm it was to be in Terengganu; the place where I know I'm not alone for there's always friends to accompany through emotions. A process of me growing up has always been about me and my endless wild thinking. I am indeed, a lady with worries and insecurities; of will I be fine and am I doing just fine?

By twenty I learnt that;

After so many times I mentioned this, let me do this one more time;

Alevels and the tough reality of I didn't get to achieve my dream; were you can say as my worst nightmare and sucks reality I need to move on from before 2016 ends. It is, indeed painful. The hardest was the first week when I couldn't woke up from sleep without a teary eyes and tiring heart. I was tired back then. I hated myself for thinking I didn't give my best enough. I downgraded myself for failing so many souls that believed and had faith in me. I cursed myself for holding too much hopes on dreams. And dreaming , at that moment, to me, was too painful I just want to sleep without dreaming and getting haunted by my continuous thinking. 

However, despite of all the storms and rains throughout my tough times as a very young learning teenager, there'd always things I hope I could tell my kids that I was indeed, in past, a mistake-doer. For by bruises, tears, and blood; I learnt. 

By twenty I learnt that;

Poetry and Coffee are actually my soul. First introduced to Lang, I know this is just the one. Every random page brought me to different horizon and different feelings to have. Rumi, the islamic poet who taught me to love God more deeper through writings and love letters ; Quran and Hadith as the core sources. Learning some of Quran ayah being interpreted to poems; that's just overloads ecstasy to my soul. Till I found Aan, the indonesian guy who taught me to love without accounting further consequences, who also taught me to appreciate a moment of solitude; the only moment I can know myself deeper. Not to mention, how Murakami brought up such a new perspective in life to me. Poetry; indeed, something that lives inside me. 

The idea ; is to do what you love with love. It can be anything. Like horse riding, playing guitar, singing or just anything that you do will then give you happiness. You need to find what you like and love, put your passion in it, for that it makes you what you are. Life shouldn't be a dull and tiring journey, even though it literally is. The best thing I learnt about living is that; you are the one with all the courage and passion you have, to define you, your life and what you are as yourself. No one could ever say no to things you like and love. Like how Nike put it together; "Just Do It".

(Me meeting Aan on KL Literature Festival yesterday)

#dreamsdocometrue ; it was a day before me turning 20. Such a gift, indeed. 

The heavy consumption of coffees, on the other hand, are like, 

the reason to stay breathe out; 

the reason to live on.

Some view coffee as a pill to stay awake, some use it for escapism from sadness, some drink it because of love; for whatever it means to someone, I'm grateful to have this magical drink exists. 

By twenty I learnt that;

I am happy. 

I learnt that I am actually happy, with every little things I have; I just sufficient like this.

By twenty I learnt that;

The number of guys I met couldn't define myself as a person, but the lesson I got; is. Guys the most frightening monsters I sometimes be afraid of; are just like books. Every soul I meet is a book, to be discovered and indeed, they might offer lessons to learn. My advice, don't be scared to meet a wrong person. I mean that's how you'll become wiser while eventually discover what kind of guy you really want. 

Build your walls (thing i tell myself) Just like how Rome wasn't built in a day, that also reflects your walls and pride. It can be earned only when you get yourself bruised and bleed like hell by people who treat you like shit only then you learn, to have a long list of boxes to be ticked on before welcoming someone new to your life; that is indeed holding possibility to be your one.

By twenty I learnt that; 

It's all or nothing. That I don't deserved to be fooled by those unlogical reasons to not being appreciated and respected. I learnt to be choosy, when it comes to friends and possibly everything. You girl, deserve to be heard, appreciated, cherished and yet respected by anyone. If one couldn't do that to you, it's either they are too foolish or they never meant to be in your life in the first place. 

By twenty I learnt that;

Something are just meant for temporary. Like dreams, friends, or lover, maybe and only maybe they aren't for us; that we shouldn't have too much worries of thinking what the hell we did wrong. And people that come in to your life is like a gift from God to you. You are special that some people might be just taken away from your for reason. And as the Giver (God) , He could remove away anyone as He wills it. For that, you shall accept happily. 

Commit mistake, and learn. 

That's when I know not every lesson comes in the book. You shall ask. You shall question everything; just all this and that. And get something from it; you might figure out the bonus to earn. Possibly a lesson to learn.

By twenty I learnt that;

This dark night will pass. 

This painful reality of me not achieving my ultimate dreams will pass. I am, going with the flow; that it shouldn't mean that I am giving up my self-effort but it rather about me accepting this reality. It is, indeed the time of me recognizing when it is time for action and when it is time to sit it out. I will just do my own remedy, and let this dark night pass.

One thing that is certain about life is that; its ever changing nature. It is indeed, a cycle. "After a lavish summer come the trying times of winter; then the spring follows."

This entry shall be longer, realizing the fact that numerous lessons I have gathered through these past 20 years of living.

I am no one, not a well-known writer and not even someone your neighbour might know about. I couldn't write so perfect you'd find it's flawless. I am no perfect indeed, I commit mistake too much, I am clumsy most of the times, I break so many hearts by being who I am. For that, I am truly sorry if you are one of those. I am not always emotionally-stable, I get mad over simple thing, I cry everytime I got hurt, I laugh too much I didn't realized when did I actually get sad.  I am dull with just looking to my outfits when black would always be in carts everytime checking out from shopping, I have very selective taste in music; I am indeed a boring person. 

For this special day of mine, I sat on, trying to figure out all these facts that you and your neighbour might actually not know. Here are the 12 of so much randomnesses of myself; 

#1 I always think I have such a quite long name compared to the other siblings. And "Auni" is such a complicated name. I could still remember when my Indian teacher call my name as "Ayuni" for the rest of school year just because she didn't know how to pronounce it right. I don't like being called with the second name (Najihah) just because the meaning of the name to me is too perfect; that I think I don't suit it best. By the way, Najihah can be translated as "success" and I don't think I have succeed in life. Just yet. Just so. 

#2 When I was a kid, my ambition was to be a scientist just like the Einstein. Then I changed my mind to be a policewoman when I was ten. Just because everyone wanted to be doctor then I changed my mind AGAIN to be like what my friends aimed to be; a doctor. But Biology is hard to catch up while I was sixteen so I just wanted to be an accountant. Well. Until today, I don't know what I am going to do in future. This time, I just want to be the best. Haha.

#3 I like cats. I like everything with fur, and for that I can't tolerate with fur-less animal such as Lizard coz you know yucks! But Bah won't allow us adopting a pet in house but that's okay. I like goats. Coz Bah once ago has adopting more than hundreds of goats and I had an experience in taking care of baby goats. 

#4 My lifetime secret idol is my eldest brother. Not everyone in the family has noticed that I always want to achieve exactly what my brother has achieved. Like, I wanted to study abroad because he studied abroad. I have a big passion in books just because he is a big fan of books and knowledges. I listen to Death Cab of Cutie because it was him who introduced the band to me. 

(Nobody knows that I secretly cried a week after he got married just because I got to realized I have lost my favourite ears and shoulder to cry on)

#5 I love all my siblings so much, even the youngest one. I just think I shouldn't tell them. 

#6 I love Bah and Ma so fairly equal that I think they are the biggest blessings in my life. 

#7 I have always wanted to go to Beijing instead of UK; just because of its culture and traditions.

#8 I don't know how to get crush on someone. The least thing I know about having affection to the opposite gender is by falling in love. And the first guy I liked was this someone when I was still a standard six student in primary school. My first guy I dated was in the final year of highschool. I was a Summer to an unfortunate Tom for about three years along that. Maybe, I shall just stop talking about monkey-nonsense-love-story by now. 

#9 I do think, beyond my personality that is sometimes said to be good and nice girl, I pranked people a lot that I DID think there's very evil personality lies in me. I pranked a guy who I just know with oreo filled with toothpaste; for that I got ignored by him for 2 semesters in college. It included how I pranked a guy from uni by concealing the fact that his wallet is with me for more than 24 hours. There were sooooo much more, u just couldn't imagine I could be that evil.

#10 I bought books A LOT. just because i love the scent of book pages. I have like one big box full of books, that I don't have time to read. Sometimes, I just thought that there should be a perfume with a book scent; I would definitely going to buy dozen of it.

#11 I started writing this blog since I was very young while highschool. The very first name of this blog was "thekucingbelang" 

#12 I hope no one would read my writing or if ever did,uguys are hoped to never mentioned to me because I got facepalm everytime. It must be the worst writing ever written and read by people. 

#13 I believe in horoscope. Not literally, but I find horoscope to be a good start to know someone without them telling. I am scorpio and I love all the scorpions I meet. I just think we (who is scorpion) are fated to be a lifetime team. Know that, scorpio is the most powerful zodiac among all. 

#14 I have always wished to have more people wishing me birthday with long letter or even essay like how I did to some of my favourite people. I like reading thoughts of people about me. Sometimes, appreciation essay ,to me, is more meaningful than whatever things one could give me as gift. 

#15 I think I shall just stop writing facts about me; it's getting to be troublesome. 

Through everything around me, through bruises and bloods; I learn. 

And this is it. 

I am Auni, 

I am twenty years old.

It's 2016 and I'm indeed up for even more lessons and knowledges of life,

Thus I am moving forward.